Game of Thrones: The Bear and the Maiden Fair

I was just thinking the other day that I haven’t complained yet this year about the gratuitous sex on Game of Thrones. So far Season 3 hasn’t really given me a reason to! Other than Podrick’s epic brothel scene – which was a really effective piece of comedy – the show has been fairly tame this year. Until now. SIGH. Boobies were back on full display in the “The Bear and the Maiden Fair”.

I don’t even want to write about this plotline anymore, it’s getting so annoying and gross. Theon, delirious and terrified, was released from his wheel of torture by two naked and pliant women who cooed over his handsome face and his majestic penis. Yeah, there’s really no dignified way to say that. At first he was too traumatized to respond to their advances … confused and worried that it was some type of trick. And he should have trusted his first instincts. When he finally did … err … ‘rise’ to the occasion, his captor stormed back into the room with a knife. What was he planning on doing with the knife? Let’s just say he thought Theon’s lower extremities could use a little snip, snip. EWWWWWW! Just EWWWWW!

Northern Army
Robb and his men are making their way to the Frey’s for Edmure’s nuptials, but they’re not exactly in a hurry. Catelyn is getting antsy, worried that by delaying their arrival they are further insulting cranky old Walder. But Robb is making use of his downtime by ravaging his hot wife repeatedly. Talisa surprises him with the joyous news that they’re about to have a baby! Maybe it’s just me, but I’d be a little concerned about bringing a child into the colossal mess they’re all currently living in …

Jaime and Brienne
Jaime is feeling major guilt over leaving Brienne at Harrenhal with a gaggle of creepy men. But she insists that he fulfill his promise to Catelyn and ensure the safe return of her daughters. He swears he will.

While back on the Kingsroad, Jaime learns that Brienne’s father offered 300 gold dragons for her safe return but her captors won’t take it because they’re convinced he has access to endless pits of sapphires. Ooops. That one is on Jaime. He forces his escorts to take him back to Harrenhal where he’s horrified to discover Brienne battling a giant bear in a pit. She’s still wearing her hideous pink dress, bravely holding off the carnivore with a useless wooden sword while hundreds of men jeer at her. Jaime jumps straight into the pit to help her get back up to safety. His escort is forced to shoot the bear to prevent damage to the ‘merchandise’ before it’s returned to Lord Tywin.

King’s Landing
Sansa seems to have calmed down since learning of her betrothal to Tyrion, but she’s still depressed about it. Margaery tries to cheer her up with tales of Tyrion’s infamous ‘experience’. Maybe being married to him would be … pleasurable. After all, satisfying a woman is complicated business. Sansa asks Margaery if she learned so much about sex from conversations with her mother. Margaery looks at her like she’s crazy for a second and then basically pats her on the head and says ‘yes, yes stupid naïve girl. All women are innocent flowers with their legs tightly crossed until their wedding night’. I’m starting to love Margaery a little.

Tyrion is also brooding about his upcoming marriage. Bronn tries to cheer him up by pointing out that Sansa is totally hot. Tyrion protests that she’s basically a child … even though she’s not much younger than the other women he’s bedded. He really, really doesn’t want to admit he might be attracted to her. This amuses me. But his bigger problem at the moment is a really pissed off prostitute who is not happy about sharing him. Tyrion promises Shae that he’ll buy her a beautiful house, give her servants and provide for any children they might have, but she’s tired of being his secret mistress. “I’m your whore and when you’re tired of fucking me I will be nothing.”

Joffrey tries to pull rank on his grandfather, calling him into the throne room and berating him for not keeping his king informed. He’s pissed that no one is worried about Dany and her dragons far across the Narrow Sea. Tywin steps right up to Joffrey, looking like he’s trying to flick off a mosquito. He promises to keep him abreast of all situations, but manages to intimidate the hell out of Joffrey just by standing there. I approve of anyone who can make Joffrey quake in his crazy boots.

On the seas just outside King’s Landing Melisandre, finally introduces Gendry to the truth about his parentage. He seems a little shell-shocked. Wait ’til she gets to the part where she’s going to sacrifice him to the Lord of the Light!

Across the Narrow Sea
Dany and her new army approach the ancient city of Yunkai and discuss whether or not to conquer it. But when Dany learns there are over 200,000 slaves inside, the debate is all but over. She meets with a representative of the city, who tries to shower her with gold and ships … if she’ll just sail away and leave them alone. He obviously does not know Dany very well. She offers him a generous gift in return: his life. But only if he and the other Masters of Yunkai release every single slave and give them food, clothing and property to compensate them for their years of servitude. Oh and she’ll be keeping the gold. So it’s ON.

Odds and Ends:
– Osha freaks out when she learns that they’re not headed for Castle Black anymore, but seeking out Wildings on the other side of the wall. Hell no she ain’t going back there!
– Jon – who is south of the wall again anyway – tries to convince Ygritte the Wildings have no shot at winning a battle for Westeros. They have tried before and they have failed repeatedly. She reminds him that THEY will lose, because he damn well will be fighting with her. Then she makes out him angrily.
– Arya freaks out when the Brotherhood delays her return to Robb and runs off on them … right into the Hound’s clutches.

Favourite Random Moment:
Jaime telling the disgraced Maester that the number of lives he’s saved is half a million – “the population of King’s Landing”. Boo-ya!

Photo Courtesy of HBO

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