Witches of East End: Sex, Lies, and Birthday Cake

Witches of East End

This week’s Witches of East End had been dubbed on social media as the “sexpisode,” and even in a world where Game of Thrones exists, “Sex, Lies, and Birthday Cake” really earned that moniker. Everybody was getting down tonight, in ways ranging from sweet sex on a beach to blindfolded knifeplay birthday sex. If you came to see some tastefully edited sexytimes, this episode did not disappoint.

Sadly, “Sex, Lies, and Birthday Cake” suffers from shoving too much plot and character work in too little time. The writers seemed to have skipped over a lot of important steps and obstacles in these relationships to get to that sex montage, and it really made the episode weaker as a whole. I wanted to see the struggles of Dash/Ingrid and Killian/Freya play out for a couple of more weeks before they hopped into bed. I also wanted to see both of these couples happy together for more than five seconds before plot demanded they may torn apart again. But that was not to be. Hopefully, later episodes of the season will let the character development happen more organically, but for now we must rank our Most Valuable Witches with the character development they actually had to work with.

Killian

Putting Killian at the top of the Most Valuable Witch rankings on his lonesome feels bizarre, but it also feels right considering that in this week’s episode he finally seems to have a brain. He realizes what might have been going on with Eva on a more emotional level. He has a bunch of emotionally honest conversations with Freya about where they stand. He has a tense stand-off with Frederick that actually hints at him having an Asgardian past worth exploring outside of his affair with Freya. He actually doesn’t blindly accept a drink from Eva for once, which is such a huge step that I cheered. Killian does a lot of good in this episode, which was surprising!

Now, he’s not smart enough to stay out of Eva’s mind control powers for long and he certainly doesn’t seem as scared about it as he was last week, but for Killian this episode is as high as he goes and I will reward him for it.

Plus, he made that cool margarita on fire drink for Freya! That’s gotta be worth something!

Ingrid

Oh, Ingrid. You were really put through the emotional ringer this episode, weren’t you? Not only did you find out that Dash was stepping out with other ladies before your affair even began, you also found out that he was a lying murderer who lies. But in both instances, you held your ground and called Dash out on his shit.

If only Dash hadn’t visited you at the bar and convinced you to have Lana Lang approved sex (on the floor, in front of a fireplace), on the basis of just a simple “You’re really powerful! And you help people!” Come on Ingrid, be stronger! Make him work a little harder for it.

More importantly though, I am very concerned about your electronic usage. Your phone ran out of battery at that party super quickly. I think it’s time to see if your plan allows you an upgrade. You really need it, so that you aren’t forced to learn your new beau is a murderer moments after you banged him for the first time.

Freya

I’m sorry your birthday was terrible, Freya, but at least you can console yourself with a solid third place finish in this week’s rankings, right?

Frankly, I thought this was a decent episode for Freya all around, moping aside. She calls shit on Killian’s weird excuses to get her alone. She makes that defeated “Hooray, for aging!” comment that made my laugh. Jenna’s hair game was on point. She also finally has a real conversation about where they stand during this season and their history of being “literally star-crossed”.

Then she had to ruin all the goodwill she was building by falling back on her promise to stay away from Killian because of all the drama it causes approximately six seconds after she makes it. Yes, she did it in the name of participating in the epic sex montage, and I get that. But still. You were doing so well, Freya … if only you stuck the landing!

Wendy

After weeks of episodes without an appearance from Wendy’s cat form, we finally get Wendy’s cat transformation causing a big stir as she gets caught transforming by her mortal lover, Tommy, who has also returned after being away the last few weeks. It’s a pretty bland plotline overall and mainly involves Wendy moping a lot (in an awesome sparkly top) about how she has to break up with him because witch rules tell her to do so.

In the end, Wendy and Tommy make an agreement to screw the witch rules because he was in the military and therefore can totally handle all that witch stuff. We’ll see how well that works out for him in the future, but I have my doubts that he can.

Joanna

Joanna doesn’t get much to do this week, except talk about how happy she is that Freya and Frederick finally turned 30 and flirt with Tarkoff who tells her that she was his first love. I’m assuming it’s only a matter of time before they have sex and Tarkoff uses Joanna’s vulnerability to do something horrible.

Frederick

Frederick messes up a lot this episode. He’s too dumb to murder Tarkoff correctly. He spends a lot of his 30th birthday just walking around the bar and glowering. And he’s about to have the roughest sex ever with his girlfriend just to enable her to get possessed by his grandfather. On the whole, it wasn’t a great episode for him.

However, he does get to introduce the intriguing idea that Killian was a terrible, horrible person in Asgard and that is enough value to notch him above our least valuable witch of the week.

Dash

Apparently when it comes to Dash’s morally ambiguous activities, I can handle all the murder, but making Ingrid cry is an unforgivable offense. Especially since he made her cry over a random fling that came out of nowhere in the writing, and disappeared just as quickly. Where did this new level of jerkitude come from, Dash?

Dash not only gets caught on cheating on his new relationship before it even begins, he also gets found out about his murderous lies in the dumbest of ways: he left the evidence open right on his laptop. You are supposed to be smarter than that, Dash!

Dumb and Guilty!Dash is the worst of all Dashes, and he’s the worst of all witches. Therefore he is ranked last in this week’s Most Valuable Witch rankings.

A few more things:

  • Eva is so old that she has a daughter she calls Abuela and who is near death and who she is trying to save by drugging Killian until he knocks her up. This whole plotline seems to be a commentary on how Bianca Lawson will probably still be able to play a teenager when she is 95 due to her witch-like inner powers, and I’m into it for that reason alone.
  • Freya also lost points in the ranking because when talking about their past lives with Killian she refused to do an eighteen minute monologue on the disco flashback. That was the highlight of this show, and every chance it has to reference it should be taken!
  • I wonder when Dash and Killian are finally going to have a real discussion about what happened in the season premiere. I feel like they have spent the majority of this season separated which has been kind of disappointing. Ingrid knowing about Dash’s nefariousness can get the ball rolling on that plotline being brought back into action, which I think can only be a good thing. Give me some strife between the regular Witches of East End characters, goddammit!
  • Even though he was a jerk to her all episode, I still ship Dash and Ingrid, and am hopeful they’ll get to be the big bads of a hypothetical Season 3 of the show. It may be wrong, but they look so good together! (And remember how cute they used to be?)

Photo Courtesy of Lifetime

About Kacey

Kacey is well-known (in her own mind) for her amazing ability to sit through her bad pop culture, her endless love for made-for-TV Christmas movies and her endless quest to be the sassy sidekick in somebody's romantic comedy. You can follow her on twitter at @kaceybange and see her other pop culture writing at POPCULTURECRAZY.