Witches of East End: Poe Way Out

Witches of East End

Once upon a Sunday dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a crazy Witches of East End plot that happened a time before,
While I nodded, nearly napping, staying awake cause of recapping,
Suddenly there came a cracking reveal I’d never think of heretofore
`’Tis a misdirection,’ I muttered, as my jaw hit the floor-
‘Only that, and nothing more.’

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak September
And each the television glowed as I fell from my couch to the floor
Eagerly I wished the morrow; – vainly I had sought to borrow
From my brains surcease of sorrow – sorrow for the show’s sanity before –
For the Tentacle Sex monsters always on the lookout for –
Vessels and nothing more.

And the crazy bonkers but certain reveals the show had surfaced
Thrilled me – filled me with fantastic glee I never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`’Tis some misdirection the show will never explore –
Some jokey misdirection that the writers will not explore
This it is, and nothing more,’

Presently my joy grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Witches’ said I, `of East End, surely your insanity I adore;
But the fact is I was napping, and only awake because of recapping
And so faintly you came slapping together ideas no one would use before,
That I scarce was sure I believed you that you weren’t tricking me once more’ ; –
Misdirection here, and nothing more.

Deep into that insanity peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no reviewer ever dared to dream before;
But they gave no fakeness token, and the reveal remained unbroken
And the only word I spoke was the questioned phrase, `For sure?’
This I whispered, and the show seemed to murmur back, `For Sure!’
Killian was really Edgar Allen Poe before.

I’m sorry for the digression into poetry, but I did not know how else to react to this episode of Witches of East End. It is still hard to believe that some of the things that happened in this episode were real plot developments that actually happened. I don’t know why I underestimated a show with a full arc revolving around a tentacle sex monster on the bonkers scale though. I will never make this mistake again.

Last week, when I saw the ending shot of Freya, Joanna, and Wendy hanging out in what looked like the Old West I assumed that we were going to get a stereotypical visitation to the era. There would be showgirls, there would be gunfights, there would be ringlets and hoop dresses. Turns out I forgot about how balls to the walls Witches of East End is because while this show touched on most of those things (minus the gunfights), the focus wasn’t really on the Old West touches at all. Instead the focus was on the man who was the obvious pick to lead this episode’s edition of the Most Valuable Witch rankings. So without further ado, let’s talk about the man of the hour.

Edgar Allan Poe

“He’s not a witch though!” someone may say. But I honestly don’t care. The reveal that Killian’s past life from 1848 was actually the famous writer was so unexpected that I had to pause my television and walk around the room once it happened to calm down. Killian was Edgar Allan Poe, guys! That is ridiculous.

And the insanity did not stop with the Edgar Allan Poe of it all, though. Because Daniel DiTomasso got to sport a crazy mustache and speak in the world’s worst old-timey accent. He also got to talk about the prose magazine that he wanted to start with the horrible title of The Stylus. He also managed to convince Freya to start communing with the dead and sent her down that horrible path.

Edgar Allan Poe was a storm of ridiculousness, and I loved every second of it. Edgar Allan Poe should be in every episode of Witches of East End. They should redo the show and make it just be one long mustache off with mustache!Dash from the disco episode and Edgar Allan Poe. Freya can dance in the background. It would win all the Emmys. And the Oscars. And probably a Nobel Peace Prize too.

Mustaches of East End is the East End we deserve, and I never would have known that without his appearance in this episode. For that, I am eternally indebted to him. Quoth the Raven: “Give me more!

Ingrid

Based on the promos, I was a little worried that she was going to be entangled in a battle against her sisters while fighting alongside her grandfather, The King. Now, as you know, I’m not against the idea of Ingrid going dark. I’m just highly against the idea of Ingrid going dark while working with Frederick. Because Ingrid’s the best and she deserves better than being stuck in the charisma void that is everything related to Frederick.

Thankfully, Ingrid came through and it turns out that she’s ahead of the game here. She’s becoming a double agent, cozying up to her grandpa while gathering the information to destroy him. This is why I love Ingrid. She’s not relying on time travel or deus ex machina weapons to get shit done. She’s relying on herself. In the immortal words of Destiny’s Child, she can “throw her hands up at me” because she is an Independent Woman (Part One).

Wendy

After the showcase the character had last episode, Wendy basically sits on the sidelines this week. She adds sanity and humor when it’s needed, but aside from that she’s hardly a driving force behind the plot. Good on her for inspiring Edgar Allan Poe’s The Black Cat though. It’s not as memorable as The Raven or The Tell-Tale Heart, but it’s something! I’m also proud of you for admitting how stupid it was for you to not memory-wipe Tommy after he found out you were a witch. Humility is something that’s hard to find on this show, and I appreciate it when it happens.

Freya

Current Freya mainly was there to be shocked at everything that happened in western times and to provide a reason for Joanna and Wendy to talk extensively about what occurred back then. I find no fault in that. Writers gotta use their tricks to convey to the audience the stuff that they need to know, and it provided the chance for more golden line readings from Jenna Dewan Tatum, who has really proved this season that she has a talent for both quipping and acting surprised by revelations.

1848 Freya though? She was a bit of a mess. Sure, she’s sleeping with Edgar Allan Poe and making sure every student will have the chance to extensively discuss his work during their high school English classes. But man, love really evaporated her brain. She’s breaking witch code. She’s skipping work to read fortunes for men with bizarre accents. She’s allowing herself to get possessed by evil spirits. They always tell you that relationships are supposed to be 50/50. Well, the version of Freya who was alive in 1848 didn’t believe in maintaining such balance. It’s no wonder opium-addicted Joanna had to murder her. And the man was going to leave her for his thirteen year old cousin anyway, if history is to be believed. Oh, 1848!Freya. You were so naïve and dumb.

Dash

Hey, Dash. There’s a show on TV now called How to Get Away with Murder, and I think you should watch it because you are the worst at covering up your crimes. Viola Davis can teach you all about proper morgue evidence removing behavior and how not to have sex the detective whose investigating you and using your magical powers to cover your tracks in a more effective way (Viola Davis may not have magic, but she’d know how to use it, let’s be real).

I’m so glad that Ingrid came to talk to you at the end of the episode about her plans to destroy The King. Hopefully by the power of her awesomeness, she will lift you up and out of the dumbness spiral you currently find yourself entrapped in. One can hope. And if it doesn’t work, I’ll fly up to your castle and we’ll bingewatch How to Get Away with Murder. That will definitely get your head back in the game.

Joanna

In the past, Joanna smoked a lot of opium after Victor disappeared and lost track of Freya’s stupid decisions to the point where she had to murder her because she got possessed by the spirit of Edgar Allan Poe’s insane, dead brother.

In the present, Joanna is exposition dumping to Freya about her past dalliances while gathering the deus ex machina that is going to send her father straight to hell. It’s a bit of a non-starter as far as plots are concerned. It may go somewhere in the future, but this week it’s just background shenanigan city.

If you really think about it, it’s amazing how quickly Joanna has been sidelined on the show. Julia Ormond is the highest billed cast member, and she was always the biggest image in the promo images. However, as the show has gone on, Joanna has become less of a plot driver and more of a reactionary figure. This isn’t because Julia Ormond isn’t capable of handling the material, as we learned last week, she’s clearly the best actor this show has. She just may be throwing a different vibe than the show seems to want to give. She’s playing everything seriously, and the show is going full force into camp city. I’m hoping Joanna gets more to do than just explain things and be Ms. Serious all the time in these last few episodes. I think it’d be fun to see Julia Ormond jump full-fledged into the craziness. She deserves to be in sex montages too!

The Entire Cast of Barrio Boulevard

Currently, there’s a show within Witches of East End and it’s called Barrio Boulevard. It’s a show where Killian goes and visits the Spanish stereotypes (They’re Catholic! They add random Spanish phrases to everything! They have terrible accents!) who live on Barrio Boulevard. While he visits these Spanish stereotypes, they all waste our time and talk about how Killian and Freya are soulmates and the possible extreme ways they can get them out of their eternal star-crossed nonsense. Barrio Boulevard is a boring, stupid show that keeps intruding on the crazy Witches of East End shenanigans. I’m very excited for it to get canceled because not even Bianca Lawson’s amazing hoop earrings can get me invested in this non-starter of a plot.

Frederick

Who are you, Frederick? Who are you? I have no idea what your purpose on the show is, and at this point, I’m not willing to wait around to find out. Pick a side and stick to it, or leave the show. This flip-flopping nonsense will get you nowhere in either American politics or my good graces.

A few more things…

  • The thing Wendy was most excited about seeing when they time-traveled was her lucky hoop skirt dress. Good ‘ol Wendy, she’s always into her fashion.
  • Wendy also believes true love is the cause of a lot of horrible messes. Wendy’s great.
  • Raven Morrow, FBI, is still into her rough, kinky sex. Because she’s evil? I’m not sure, but I feel like the show is trying to make us believe that her sexual drive is a clue about her nefariousness. I hope I’m wrong on this though. I don’t need Witches of East End to go into kink-shaming. Especially since it’s usual so female-positive when it comes to sex.
  • Barrio Boulevard’s Bianca Lawson won’t shut up about how amazing the connection between Freya and Killian is. It only makes me more confused about what that endless sex montage that was the Eva plotline was supposed to be (well, besides a waste of time).
  • No matter how long it’s been and how many lives you’ve led, you never forget a good opium den apparently.
  • What happened to Frederick’s plot contrivance girlfriend? Is she still tied up in his room cut up and talking about how much she trusts him? I’m worried about her. #SavePlotContrivanceGirlfriend

Photo Courtesy of Lifetime

About Kacey

Kacey is well-known (in her own mind) for her amazing ability to sit through her bad pop culture, her endless love for made-for-TV Christmas movies and her endless quest to be the sassy sidekick in somebody's romantic comedy. You can follow her on twitter at @kaceybange and see her other pop culture writing at POPCULTURECRAZY.