In this video, Harris discusses the world that she’s created in the Southern Vampire series, the TV series that was born from her pages, and bringing that story to a close in 2013.

If you love True Blood or are a fan of Harris’ work, you’ll be thrilled to know that her Harper Connelly series (probably my fave of hers) is being turned into a TV series by Syfy called Grave Sight, which is also the title of the first book. If you haven’t heard about these books yet, they’re about a young woman who is able to hear the dead after she was struck by lightning as a teen. And of course, the fifth season of True Blood is set to begin on June 10th on HBO.

Photo and video by Melissa Girimonte Copyright © 2012 TheTelevixen.com

Fave Vampire:
1 – Damon Salvatore (TVD)
2 – Angel (Buffy/Angel)
3 – tie between Katherine Pierce (TVD) and Spike (Buffy/Angel)

Fave Wolf:
1 – Tyler Lockwood (TVD)
2 – Alcide Herveaux (True Blood)
3 – Daniel “Oz” Osbourne (Buffy)

Fave Witch:
1 – Willow Rosenberg (Buffy)
2 – Faye Chamberlain (TSC)
3 – Piper Halliwell (Charmed)

Fave Ghost:
1 – Lexi (TVD)
2 – Willow (Buffy)
3 – a three way tie between Annie Sawyer (Being Human – UK), Phantom Dennis (Angel) and Sally Malik (Being Human – US)

Fave Demon:
1 – Lorne (Angel)
2 – a tie between Anya Jenkins (Buffy) and Bathazar (Charmed)
3 – a tie between Ruby (Supernatural) and Allen Francis Doyle (Angel)

Fave Supernatural Character:
1 – Castiel (Supernatural)
2 – a three way tie between Trick (Lost Girl), Bo (Lost Girl) and Elena Gilbert (TVD)

Fave Supernatural Hunter(s):
1 – Buffy Summers (Buffy)
2 – Dean Winchester (Supernatural)
3 – a three way tie between Wesley Wyndam-Pryce (Buffy/Angel), The Halliwells (Charmed) and The Winchesters (Supernatural)

Fave Human Sidekick:
1 – Alaric Saltzman (TVD)
2 – Kenzi (Lost Girl)
3 – a tie between Xander Harris (Buffy) and Winifred “Fred” Burkle (Angel)

There were also four write-in categories that I thought I’d share …

Fave Human/Supernatural Bromance:
Damon & Alaric (TVD)

Fave Human/Supernatural Romance:
Damon & Elena (TVD)

Fave Supernatural Romance:
Annie & Mitchell (Being Human)

Fave Supernatural Town:
Sunnydale (Buffy)

Thanks to everyone who took part! And a very Happy Halloween from all of us at TheTelevixen.com!

You’re probably thinking, “People die on True Blood all the time. This season finale wasn’t any meaner than the first three were,” but hear me out. Killing Jesus was understandable. It was harsh, but understandable. He was the aforementioned favorite character whom I was very sad to see go. Not to mention the fact that he and Lafayette were the only healthy, functional relationship on the show, so naturally one of them had to die. Secondary characters’ love interests don’t last long on this show. Just ask Jason or Tara. Nonetheless, I’d say Jesus’ death used up the mean quota for the episode, especially considering the fact that Lafayette now has to live with the fact that he killed his lover (or more accurately, his lover died by his hands, although they were being controlled by Marnie at the time). But on the plus side, Jesus had one of the best lines ever in his final moments, when he told Marnie, “You can’t trade magic like f—ing Pokémon cards!” If only it were possible to use reason on Marnie …

So Lafayette is already crying himself to sleep, and what does the mighty Alan Ball do next? He shoots Lafayette’s cousin in the head. And the meanest part of Tara’s death (other than killing off the two people Lafayette loved most in the world in one night) was her last conversation with Sookie, where they talked about growing old together. I just wanted that so much for Tara, because she’s had way too much pain in her life, and she deserves to sit on a porch with Sookie and her grandkids. But instead, she got shot by Debbie. To quote Marnie, “This f—ing sucks.”

Now, you might be thinking, “I guess that was pretty mean to Tara, Lafayette, and Sookie, but how does that affect me?” I’ll tell you. As my friend astutely pointed out, now we’re going to have to deal with Sookie being “all emo” next season because her best friend got killed. Oh, and she killed Debbie, which seemed to shock Sookie as much as it did me. But that wasn’t the first time Sookie had taken a human life (remember René? More on him later …) so I don’t know how much that will factor into Sookie’s psychological trauma. (Though, by this point, you’d think Sookie would have already hit some kind of saturation point for psychological trauma.) I don’t know about you, but I much prefer Sookie when she’s bright and sassy, not mopey and depressed. And as her first step on the road to healing, I think she should redo that kitchen floor. It’ll be easier than trying to scrub two more people’s blood out of it.

Another somewhat significant death was that of Nan Flanagan, along with her entourage of “gay storm troopers,” as Eric dubbed them (before he beheaded all of them). For once, Nan brought Eric and Bill together instead of driving them apart. When Nan told them she knew about Sookie being part fairy, they first tried to play dumb. Eric said that while Sookie smelled delicious, she was “hardly worth dying for,” which is exactly what both he and Bill were willing to do for Sookie just last episode. Nan also revealed that there was an order issued on both their heads, which Nan was supposed to have carried out. Rather than side with Nan and the disgruntled factions within the AVL (which probably would have been a safer choice), Bill and Eric slaughtered Nan and her lackeys before they could tell anyone else about Sookie’s fairy blood. At least I think it was mostly about protecting Sookie … or it could have just been that Nan’s comment about the two of them pining after Sookie like “puppy dogs” just really got to Bill.

It was a big bonding week for Bill and Eric. Nothing brings boys together like being burned at the stake and having their hearts broken by the same woman. As much as I hate to make it sound like I’m in favor of anything that involves Bill (unless it’s his death scene), he and Eric actually make a pretty good team. Although, I can’t say they were very good at using their newfound teamwork to escape from Marnie when she was trying to fry them.

It was great to see Sookie save her men’s lives for once instead of being the damsel in distress. The only problem with having saved both their lives was that she still had the problem of being in love with both of them. Sookie decided she couldn’t take it anymore, and felt like she was being ripped in half. Bill graciously gave her and Eric his blessing. Eric smiled, thinking Sookie was his, and for a split second we caught a glimpse of the adorably unguarded Eric from the beginning of the season. Sookie still looked conflicted, so Eric reminded Sookie that Bill had had his chance, but he had lied to her. Sookie told him Bill had only lied to protect her, which would be true if we ignored the whole part where their entire relationship was based on that lie – a lie that involved Sookie getting beaten to a pulp so Bill could feed her his blood. (And yes, I will continue to bring that up until Bill either dies or develops some kind of flesh-eating virus like that curse that Marnie put on Pam.) In the end, Sookie pulled a Brad Womack (remember that douche from The Bachelor who rejected both women in the finale? Not that I watch The Bachelor) and said goodbye to both of them, breaking three hearts at once. (Four if you count mine.) As sad as it was for all parties involved, I think Sookie made the right choice. I’d love to see her and Eric together, but not if it means she’ll just be making doe eyes at Bill the whole time. I’ll say it again: Bill ruins everything.

Does this mean the field is open for Alcide to pull an upset in this three-way race for Sookie’s affections? He did give a somewhat convincing – although disheartened and unromantic – speech about following your brain instead of your heart. He and Sookie both have stupid hearts, so Alcide suggested they try to follow their brains instead. This was probably the least sexy come-on in the history of True Blood, but I still think he made a good point. And by that, I mean I still think he’s the most attractive person on the planet, and if Sookie isn’t going to be with Eric, she should give Alcide a shot. Although things might be a little awkward now that Sookie shot his ex-girlfriend. But it was self-defense, and she was an evil skank, so it shouldn’t be a problem.

If anyone on this show deserves to be happy, it’s Alcide. He’s such a nice guy, and he tries to avoid trouble, but all he gets is crap, crap, evil skank, and more crap. But no one ever said the True Blood universe was fair. There’s obviously no justice in a world where Jesus dies and Bill gets to live for 176 years.

Another character who broke my heart this week was Pam, who was distraught after Eric banished her because she fired a bazooka in Sookie’s general direction. You know I love me some Eric and Sookie, but it killed me to see their relationship come between maker and progeny. I have no doubt that Pam and Eric will reconcile (he still wasn’t willing to risk her life and summon her to save him and Bill when they were about to be burned), but until then I don’t know what Pam will do. She was so upset that she even let Ginger hug her (gasp!), which I was sure would prompt Pam to rip the human slave’s heart out, but she just sat there weeping while Ginger attempted to console her. This was possibly the first time Ginger has ever done anything useful, other than cleaning up dead vampire remains. And there was that time she sat on Pam’s coffin when Pam was being drawn out into the sunlight by Antonia. I guess she might not be quite as incredibly dumb as I thought she was.

I’m not sure what was more shocking: the several main characters that died, or the ones that came back from the dead to pay a visit to Bon Temps on All Hallows’ Eve. Gran was the one I was happiest to see. Especially considering her role in taking down Marnie. (It seems fitting that, of all the powerhouses that Marnie went up against – Jesus, Antonia, Eric – the one who was ultimately able to defeat her was Gran.) While Gran came back to help her granddaughter, other spirits returned for more malicious reasons, like Marcus, whom I assume is the wolf that was last seen growling at Sam outside his house. The ghost I was most shocked to see was René. (Season one feels like so long ago!) Although I have to admit, I was a little happy to see Michael Raymond James. It made me miss Terriers all over again. When he found Arlene taking out the trash, he had the nerve to try to warn her about Terry. (Ha! Such a considerate homicidal maniac.) He told her that Terry’s past was going to come back to haunt them. Poor Arlene and Terry spent the last season being haunted by her past, and now they have to worry about his? I wonder if this “haunting past” has anything to do with Terry’s old army buddy (Scott Foley) who just rolled into town …

Not all of the ghosts of the past that came a-knocking were actually ghosts. Jason got a surprise visit from Reverend Steve Newlin, his good buddy from the Fellowship of the Sun. But Steve wasn’t a spirit. He was a vampire. So that’s going to be quite an interesting reunion.

So that was about it for blasts from the pasts. Did I miss anything important? Any other notable returns? Oh, wait: RUSSELL FREAKING EDGINGTON. I think I actually screamed when Alcide found that empty cement pit that was once Russell’s grave. How the hell did he get out? Someone had to dig him out, right? Was it Nan? Was it Steve? Was it that fairy that Andy had sex with in the woods? (Seriously, what was that about? She was so sketchy.) I can’t believe we have to wait until the next season for these answers! Curse you, Alan Ball! But also, thank you, because as mean as you are, Mr. Ball, you gave us another thrilling season of television. It may have been uneven, it may have ended cruelly, and it may have had way too much of Bill Compton in it, but it was great TV. When it comes to True Blood, sometimes too much is just enough.

Photo Courtesy of HBO

Things are definitely coming to a boil as season four – or as I like to call it, The Season of Body Snatching and Sex in the Woods – draws to a close (with plenty of both, I might add). And the crazier things get, the more I enjoy Jesus and Lafayette’s succinct and profane summaries of whatever fresh hell they’ve found themselves in. This week’s highlights included Lafayette’s description of Marnie’s battle with Antonia to maintain their spiritual union: “Marnie just puked a b–ch out,” and Jesus’ oversimplification of the results of said battle: “That means Marnie’s gone bats–t.” Jesus and Lafayette were champs in this episode. (When are they ever not?) They did what needed to be done, even when it meant going to extreme measures.

Another all-star in this episode was – somewhat surprisingly – Jason. He’s been slowly winning back my favor this season, and he was especially helpful this week when he stopped Bill and Eric and their black-clad progeny from blowing up Moon Goddess Emporium while Sookie, Tara, and a bunch of random innocent people were still inside. This prompted a round of exasperated “f—ing Sookie”s from the already-aggravated vampires, to which Jason responded with appropriate indignation. Jason defended his sister and reminded Pouty and Poutier (Bill is Poutier, by the way) of all the times Sookie has saved their lives, let them drink her blood, and taken them into her home when they were pathetic and memory-less. I know Eric and Bill were just angry that Sookie was in harm’s way once again, and they were both hurting over the fact that she can’t help but love both of them, but I was really glad Jason was there to verbally slap those big babies.

When Marnie and Sookie came out to talk to the vamps, things got … um, interesting. Apparently Marnie doesn’t understand the concept of “negotiation”, because her demands (that Bill and Eric kill themselves) seemed just a bit on the unreasonable side. But they don’t call her Crazy Marnie for nothing. (And by “they”, I mean “I”.) Bill was surprisingly quick to accept Marnie’s ludicrous terms, and Eric – not to be outdone – agreed to give his life as well. The look they shared in that moment was half mutual acknowledgment of their shared love for Sookie, and half competitive insanity, like they were fighting over who would get to die for Sookie. Basically, they were playing the worst game of chicken in history, hurling towards each other and waiting to see who would jerk the wheel first. But if there’s one thing those two have in common other than pointy teeth and a weakness for petite blonde waitresses, it’s their stubbornness. Ultimately, it was Pam that put an end to their insane demonstration of devotion by firing a bazooka at Marnie. Which, I have to say, was exactly what I would have done.

Let’s break this scene down, shall we? One minute, Eric and Bill are each having their own private pity party because Sookie can’t love just one of them, and the next minute they’re plotting an elaborate murder-suicide to “save” Sookie without any attempts whatsoever to try to come up with a Plan B. As touched as I was by the fact that both men were willing to lay down their lives to protect Sookie, I couldn’t help but find the whole thing pretty ridiculous. I don’t recall Marnie directly threatening Sookie’s life at any point, and yet Bill agreed to the first outrageous offer she threw on the table. Was he not even going to try to bargain with her? Evidently not. Instead, Bill jumped at the chance to prove to Sookie that, despite being a complete douchebag, he was still willing to die for her. That’s all well and good, but at the end of the day, Bill is still a douchebag (and, unfortunately, still alive). Of course his plan would involve him shooting Eric first. Typical Bill. And why didn’t Sookie try to stop them? I would have been like, “Eric, you get up right this instant and do not let Bill shoot you. Bill, please feel free to die.” The whole situation just seemed totally unnecessary.

Meanwhile, Love Interest #3 was having a pretty busy evening as well. Alcide, being the crusader of justice that he is, was helping Sam with Operation Avenge Tommy’s Death, which turned into Operation Retrieve Luna’s Kidnapped Daughter, which turned into Operation Debbie Is An Evil Skank. (My oh my, how this plot line has evolved.) While Alcide was trying to track down Marcus so Sam could kick his ass, Marcus was at Alcide’s house seducing Debbie, giving Alcide yet another reason to want to pummel him. (Let’s be honest, though – Debbie and Marcus were made for each other. They’re both psychotic werewolves who just want to have babies. I wish they really had run away together so I wouldn’t have to look at them anymore.)

After Luna was reunited with her daughter at Alcide’s house, Sam was like, “Maybe you should take Emma outside,” by which he meant, “Maybe you should take Emma outside so she doesn’t hear her father screaming in agony when I beat him to death.” And he almost did. But he stopped at the last second, probably thinking of Luna and Emma, and showed mercy on Marcus. Of course, Sam should know that you never turn your back on a bad guy once you’ve decided to spare his life, because he’ll try to shoot you, and then Alcide will have to kill him for you with his wolf claws. After that, Alcide gave Debbie the angriest, most snarly breakup speech ever. (Can we please be done with her now?) I don’t know how the whole killing Marcus thing is going to go over with Alcide’s pack, but I feel like they’ll either kill him, or make him the new Alpha (as he should be).

Back at Moon Goddess Emporium, Jesus successfully broke Marnie’s hold on Antonia, and the vampires stormed in, guns a-blazin’. Roy proved he had a greater purpose than being Marnie’s comically enthusiastic minion by bringing us the funniest moment of the episode. When Bill and Eric threatened Marnie, Roy stepped in between them to protect her from the vampires’ wrath. Eric proceeded to rip his heat out and suck the blood out of it like a juice box. God, I missed the real Eric.

Despite Roy’s sacrifice, Marnie still ended up shot in the head, just like she saw prophesized in her magic pool of blood. And then the evil witch was dead and everyone lived happily ever after! Oh wait, this is True Blood. Instead, Bill and Eric and Sookie shared some weirdly ambiguous glances portending some kind of upcoming resolution to their three-way standoff. Oh, and did I mention that at some point in this mess, Andy had sex with a fairy in the woods (seriously! No one on this show has sex indoors anymore!) after he pinky swore to protect her, which will most definitely come back to bite him in the ass sometime soon. And lastly, in case you forgot this was the penultimate episode of the season, there was that final scene …

Lafayette and Jesus (the most functional, healthy couple on the show) were being all adorable, comforting each other in bed after a long day of brujo magic and battling witches. And sure enough, who should appear above their bed, leering maniacally at Lafayette? Crazy Marnie. She ruins everything! DAMMIT MARNIE, THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. She swooped into Lafayette’s body, prompting me to yell many expletives at my television. Because this is not going to end well. And there are going to be some casualties up in here come Sunday night, and I have a sickening feeling that Jesus or Lafayette may be one of them. But until then, I’ll just have to spend the rest of the week worrying and pondering about the impending finale, and praying that the TV gods will take Bill instead.

Photo Courtesy of HBO

The bottom line is, I was not prepared for how the whole Eric-gets-his-memory-back thing went down. The fact that he regained his memory wasn’t what surprised me, though; it was his response to it. He still wanted to be with Sookie. He remembered their time together, he still loved her, and he was able to admit that to her! I thought for sure when Eric’s memory was restored, he would still have feelings for Sookie, but he’d be too proud and scared to be open about it, and he’d pull away from her. This would create a fun new obstacle in Sookie and Eric’s relationship to keep things interesting in season five. Doesn’t that sound like it would make perfect sense? I was really hoping that’s what would happen. But no. Things took a different (read: terrible) turn.

Hearing Eric (with his memory and sass now fully restored) tell Sookie that he loved her made me immeasurably happy for a few beautiful seconds…after which Sookie proceeded to shatter my heart (along with any respect I had gained for her this season) by announcing that she still loves Bill. Yes, Bill Compton. AKA His Royal Surliness, AKA King Killjoy, AKA the Duke of Douchebaggery. The very man who lied to her throughout their entire relationship and watched her get the crap beaten out of her just so he could give her his blood. That Bill Compton.

So you can see why I was so shocked by this revelation. Because honestly, who could possibly love Bill Compton? Especially after everything he’s done! So, no, I did not expect the one thing that comes between Eric and Sookie’s happiness together to be Bill. And Eric came so close to killing him! Why did Sookie have to go and use her fairy magic to save Bill? HE RUINS EVERYTHING. (Side note: I actually wrote, “BILL RUINS EVERYTHING” in my notes while I was watching this episode…after I was through screaming at the television.)

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system (more or less), let’s discuss the other twist from the beginning of the episode. It turns out Marnie really is an evil nutcase! She’s not just a nice, harmless crazy person being possessed by a bloodthirsty witch, she’s actually the driving force behind their reign of terror. And after the bloodbath of the Tolerance Festival, Marntonia’s schizo was starting to show. Antonia exorcised herself from Marnie so she could show her disapproval and lament the fact that today’s vampire-infested world is much different from when she was alive. But Crazy Marnie talked her into sticking around so they could wreak some more misplaced vengeance.

Poor Jesus is having a really bad week. First, his abuelo threw a rattlesnake at him, then his boyfriend got possessed by a baby-stealing dead woman, and now he’s got to crawl through a magic firewall to get to Marnie so he can try to communicate with her and hopefully break Antonia’s hold on her. But Jesus didn’t get the memo about Marnie being a homicidal lunatic. Also, I tend to agree with Lafayette, who basically told Jesus that he doubted that Jesus would be able to John Edwards this problem away like he did with Mavis. I loved Lafayette’s summary of the season: none of this would have happened if Marnie had just left her damn parakeet dead in its grave.

Now back to Eric, because it’s been two whole paragraphs since we talked about him, and that’s just not acceptable. As much as I loved Amnesiac-Eric, it was really great to see the Eric we all know and love finally return. Of course, he reminded us that the doe-eyed, vulnerable, polite Eric we’d gotten to know the over the last few weeks is still inside of him. “I haven’t changed. I’m just…more,” he told Sookie, right before she took a sledgehammer to all of our hopes and dreams by telling Eric she’s still in love with You-Know-Who. That being said, I love the way Eric looks at Sookie now, with such an intense mix of confusion, fascination, sadness, and desire. I’m trying to look at this whole Sookie-still-loves-Bill situation with a glass-half-full attitude (but it’s not going very well). At least now we’ll get to see an angsty, hurt side of Eric now that he’s been scorned (or is it spurned? I’m not sure which one applies here) by Sookie. Plus, maybe it will be good for Eric to learn a little humility, since I’m guessing he has never been rejected by a woman (or a man) in all his hundreds of years of living.

Speaking of guys who deserve so much better than their current situations on this show, is Alcide a shoo-in for Mensch of the Year or what? (For the record, I never use the word “mensch” in day-to-day conversation, but there’s really no other way to describe what an above-and-beyond great guy Alcide has been lately.) After saving Tommy from getting beaten to a pulp by his own pack, Alcide was ready to drive him to the hospital. But Tommy told him that he was dying, and asked Alcide to take him home instead. When Alcide asked where “home” was, Tommy told him Merlotte’s. (*Cue tears*) I guess despite the tumultuous relationship between Tommy and his brother, Merlotte’s was still the closest thing he ever had to a home. The only thing sadder than Tommy’s death was his life, which I guess is the saddest thing of all. At least Sam and Tommy reconciled before Tommy died.

Alcide was even kind enough (or maybe just angry enough) to take Sam to see Marcus for a little revenge. Alcide proved his commitment to justice (or, again, maybe it was just anger) by going so far as to hold one of the pack members who had attacked Tommy while Sam gave him a beating of his own. Alcide really is the kind of guy you want to have around in a time of crisis (or needing to kick people’s asses).

Meanwhile, Marcus and Debbie were enjoying each other’s company and not-so-subtly discussing having kids together. And that’s all I’m going to say about that, because frankly, what more is there to say? Maybe one more thing: those two deserve each other.

Sam and Tommy weren’t the only ones having some touchy-feely, tear-soaked male bonding moments this week. Terry confronted his cousin Andy about his addiction to V and took him out to Fort Bellefleur (a tree house in the woods where Terry had lived “like an insane squirrel” after coming back from war) to try to get through to him. They talked about everything, from Terry’s PTSD, to their childhood jealousies. And in between talking about their feelings, they also shot things and wrestled with each other. (This is the preferred method of healing for men: intense emotional discussion punctuated by pointless acts of violence.) When Andy broke down crying, Terry told him, “This is what rock bottom feels like.”

As touching as this scene was, and as heart-breaking as it was to see Sam and Tommy make amends before Tommy died, the award for Best Family Bonding goes to…the Maker-Progeny quartet of Eric and Pam and Bill and Jessica. Not only did they wear matching all-black ensembles, but their daddy-daughter bonding activity of choice involved a bazooka. I love the maker-progeny dynamic on this show, especially between Pam and Eric, who were finally reunited in this episode after weeks (or has this season only been a few days?) of him not remembering who she was.  And the only time I can ever stand to look at Bill is when he’s being a fairly decent father figure to Jessica. While I most definitely do not approve of their mission to blow up Moon Goddess Emporium (whose occupants include Tara, Jesus, some randos, and, from the looks of the promo for next week, now Sookie), it was pretty entertaining to watch the four of them do their BAMF walk, heavy artillery in tow. Am I the only one hoping this was all part of Eric’s plan to lure Bill away from his guards so that he can use the bazooka on Bill instead of Marnie? Actually, I’m hoping it’ll be Pam that does the deed, since she still owes Bill for trying to encase her maker in cement last season. Not that I spend a lot of time devising various scenarios for Bill’s painful and embarrassing death or anything. I do have a life, you know. Geez…

Photo Courtesy of HBO

Probably my favorite part of this week’s episode (aside from the aforementioned prominence of Alcide’s buttocks) was the dream Sookie had while under the influence of both Eric’s and Bill’s blood. Bill and Eric both appeared in the dream, and were, of course, fighting over Sookie. They started hissing at each other (like real men) and seeing who had the bigger fangs. As usual, they both used the old “Sookie is mine!” line, which always bothers me, but it did more than usual tonight. Why does Sookie always have to be someone’s? Can’t she be her own person? And then it was like Dream Sookie read my mind (which is probably not an uncommon occurrence for her, being a telepath and all), because she started chastising Bill and Eric for fighting over ownership of her. She denounced the double standard that it’s okay for men to love two women but not the other way around, and she declared her feelings for both men, saying that they should be hers. BOOYAH. I was literally applauding after Sookie’s speech. But that applause was also in recognition of Dream Sookie’s spot-on observation that, despite the appeal of two hot men (assuming Bill was replaced with an attractive man), what most women really dream about is being able to eat an entire pie without any repercussions.

Unfortunately, when Eric uttered the words, “I’m yours” this week, they were not directed towards Sookie, but to Antonia, who cast a spell of servitude on him. Her ultimate goal was to have Eric assassinate Bill. I was actually totally onboard with this plan. For the first time, I felt like Antonia and I were on the same page. But I seem to have been the only one. Well, me and Roy, at least. Everyone else in her group of witches seemed pretty upset with the more aggressive strategies Antonia had employed to “defend” themselves against the vampires. Tara gave a rousing rendition of the classic “This Isn’t What I Signed Up For” speech, and pretty much everyone shared her anger (except for Roy). Antonia wasn’t about to let them abandon her cause, however, so naturally she locked them all in the Moon Goddess Emporium. I hate to say it, but when you ally yourself with a crazy, revenge-obsessed witch, you pretty much have to expect that kind of risk.

On the plus side, at least while Tara was being held hostage by Antonia, she got to miss out on the whole Lafayette-being-possessed-by-a-disgruntled-spirit saga. And frankly, anything involving gunfire and baby-napping in the same scenario is way more stressful than being locked in a magic shop for a few hours while Antonia runs a few errands. The Mavis/Lafayette/baby thing was very concerning, for a multitude of reasons. I was so relieved when Jesus finally showed up with his trademark level-headedness and comic relief. He took the whole thing in stride, from the fact that his possessed boyfriend had kidnapped a baby, to Jason asking if he and Lafayette ever did any role-playing involving “Mavis”. I was so grateful that Jesus knew what to do, mostly because it meant that we didn’t have to drag this Mavis thing out over the rest of the season. Being the efficient brujo that he is, Jesus identified the problem, dug up some baby bones, and then sent Mavis packing so he could have his boyfriend back. And that, my friends, is how you resolve extraneous plotlines.

Resolution doesn’t come without its costs, however, and in this case, it came at the cost of Hoyt’s front door, which took quite a beating in the fracas. Jason came over to help Hoyt fix it, and in the process he stumbled upon Jessica’s Taylor Swift album, which Hoyt said belonged in the “Monster Box” along with Jessica’s copy of Twilight (ha!) and her other belongings. Jason reluctantly agreed to take the stuff to Jessica, even though he knew it was a bad idea. (His loyalty can only outweigh his libido for so long.) Jason at least had the decency to black out Hoyt’s inscription of “FOR YOU, MONSTER” on the box before he delivered it to Jessica. When she asked if he wanted to come in, he said it wouldn’t be a good idea, and that he was just going to leave. But the swelling music (which my friend dubbed “sex music”) seemed to indicate otherwise. Sure enough, Jess and Jason ended up in the back of his pickup truck, making sweet love to the sounds of Taylor Swift’s “Haunted”, a song from the very album that had prompted Hoyt to ask Jason to take the box to Jessica in the first place. (Note: This is probably the only circumstance in which it would ever be acceptable to use a Taylor Swift song on this show.)

Other noteworthy happenings in the final minutes of the episode included Antonia’s attack on the Tolerance Festival, which Sookie tried so hard to warn Bill about, after receiving some help from … Debbie? I was more shocked by Debbie and Sookie working together than I was when Antonia’s vampire lapdogs displayed the intestines of their human security guards in front of hundreds of people. I kept waiting for Debbie to reveal her ulterior motives and do something atrocious … but the moment never came. And that was probably worse than if she had actually done something horrendous. It’s like the paranoia and anticipation of her evilness is worse than if she just came out and let her bitch flag fly. I’m still having a hard time believing that she really just wanted to help Sookie because she cares about Alcide and knows that it’s what he would want, even though that’s what Sookie read in Debbie’s thoughts. She’s sneaky enough to know how to project the thoughts she wants Sookie to hear, I bet.

Debbie’s beautiful beau, meanwhile, was having a man-to-man talk with Marcus, who asked if Alcide would have his back while he beat Sam to a bloody pulp – I mean, “communicated” to Sam that he doesn’t appreciate him spending time with Luna. Sam had no knowledge of his ass-whooping appointment, however, because he was busy being a bunny and having tent sex with Luna (not at the same time). It was Tommy who showed up (as Sam) to meet Marcus. I’m not sure whether it was guilt or just a dire need to punch someone that made Tommy go see Marcus, but I’m guessing it was a little bit of both. Surely a part of him knew that he deserved Marcus’ wrath for what he did to Luna, and another part of him was probably itching to get into a good fight. Either way, it was the least selfish thing Tommy’s done in a long time. And the best part of this scene was (of course) Alcide, who intervened when Marcus’ guys started “communicating” the crap out of Tommy. I love when Alcide lays down the law and gets all huffy trying to keep the peace, always proving that he’s a better alpha wolf than … well, anyone. Just as the beating stopped, Tommy shifted back into himself.

The episode ended in typical True Blood fashion, which is to say, in the midst of complete chaos, with Sookie screaming, and one central character about to attack another. I wouldn’t expect any less this late in the season. And since I’m not that worried about Bill’s fate, I can’t say that the cliffhanger really bothered me this week. I’m much more nervous about what’s going to happen when Hoyt inevitably finds out that Jason and Jessica slept together. And I’m still waiting for Debbie to reveal her evil plan. She has to be evil. Right?

Photo Courtesy of HBO

Season 4 really does seem like a paranormal adaptation of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, between the mystical forest where everything takes place (romantic rendezvous, witch spells, werewolf pack meetings, etc.), the enchantments and blood-swapping-induced euphoria, and the romantic partner swapping. The only difference (aside from the werewolves and vampires and pretty much everything else) is that, instead of the traditional two-male, two-female love rectangle at the center of things, we have a three-male, one-female love rhombus. Actually, more like a love trapezoid. For a brief moment at the beginning of the episode, it looked like one of those players (Alcide) might drop out of the equation (not really). But no one – including Debbie – really believed Alcide when he promised to stay away from Sookie and all her vampire drama. And sure enough, he swooped back into contention in the final seconds, saving Sookie after she’d been shot, while Eric and Bill were unable to reach her. Alcide may be the underdog (pun intended) in this love trapezoid, but he’s definitely still in it.

I am a little worried for Alcide though, since his heroic and well-timed intervention meant not only breaking his promise to Debbie, but also disobeying a direct order from his new pack leader to not get involved in the vampire/witch mess. And as we saw when Debbie shifted into human form after witnessing Alcide’s betrayal, I think it’s safe to say, the bitch is back. And she is pissed. And since she’s definitely the one who told pack leader Marcus all about the whole vampires vs. witches battle, I’m sure she’ll inform him about Alcide’s involvement in it (however brief and inconsequential). And Marcus is probably about the last werewolf I want to see angry.

We saw a darker, slightly more psychotic side of Marcus this week when we discovered that he is the previously-alluded-to werewolf baby daddy of Sam’s new Shifter girlfriend Luna. And boy was he not happy to find Sam having dinner with Luna and his daughter. Sam handled it well though, and I have to say, this week’s episode made me actually like Sam for the first time in a long while.

I was too hard on Sam last week when I criticized him for throwing his brother out of his life. Sam’s heartfelt apology to Luna reminded me that Tommy’s deceit was not a victimless crime, and even though Tommy is Sam’s brother and has no one else in the world, he has to pay for his horrible misdeed. He started his penance this week when he was forced to wander around in the woods wearing full Mrs. Fortenberry makeup and dress.

In quite a change from the norm, this episode made me like Sam and dislike Hoyt, whom I used to adore. At first, I was completely shocked when Jessica killed Hoyt in her dream (either because I’m an incredibly gullible viewer, or because this show is just crazy enough that that actually could have happened). I was beside myself … for about three seconds, until I realized it was a dream. So you’d think my relief at Hoyt still being alive would have lessened my anger towards him when Jessica really did break up with him. His fury and hurt transformed him into a total asshole. I understand his anger towards Jessica, but he was way too mean, throwing out one low blow after another: she’s not even alive, she can never give him children, she’ll be a virgin forever … Hoyt crossed so many lines, and then he withdrew his invitation to their house, so Jess was forced out into the night.

She showed up on Jason’s doorstep, who seemed equally excited and terrified to see her. She told him that she knew he had feelings for her too, because she could feel it through their blood bond. But despite his feelings for Jessica, Jason refused to give in to them when she came to tell him she’d broken up with Hoyt. What’s that, you say? Jason Stackhouse exercising restraint when it comes to a beautiful woman? Unheard of! I never thought it would be possible either, but Jason’s loyalty to Hoyt won out over his feelings for Jessica. It took all his willpower to uninvite her from his home, and then when he looked like he desperately wanted to chase after her, he immediately dropped to the floor and channeled his frustration into push-ups. That certainly explains how Jason manages to stay in shape. Whenever he’s scared or confused or doesn’t know what to do, he just does push-ups! Maybe if I used push-ups as a coping mechanism instead of food, I’d be as fit as Jason is.

Eric and Sookie had something of a big week this week, although when it comes to Eric and Sookie, is it ever not a big week? First they drank each other’s blood, lulling them into a shared state of euphoria, which lead them to the shower (a nice little nod to the legendary Sookie/Eric shower sex from the book series), which lead them to a bed in the middle of the woods, in which they made love. Did I mention it was snowing? Hallucinations aside, it showed tremendous trust on Sookie’s part to let Eric drink her blood, knowing the power that it possesses. Afterwards, Eric suggested they run away so they could be together forever. Sookie, in a show of wisdom or cynicism (or both) told him, “There’s no such thing as forever,” which is about as heartbreaking as it is true. Sookie has seen enough to know that “forever” is just an illusion. Just ask Hoyt. Or Luis, the centuries-old vampire who met the true death last week. Even vampires don’t live forever. And they certainly don’t love forever.

Sookie told Eric that they couldn’t just leave Bill to fight the witches alone, being that he’s Eric’s king and he’s Sookie’s … Bill. As much as I wanted to say, “Screw Bill, you lovebirds should run away to Fiji and have sex in the ocean,” it was right of them to stay and fight with His Royal Surliness, although I think Sookie might overestimate her value in combat, considering she isn’t exactly in control of her powers. But it’s the thought that counts. I just wish this fight didn’t put Tara and Sookie on opposing sides. They should take some lessons in friendship from Jason, since he’s apparently the most loyal best friend on the show. But I’m afraid he won’t hold that title for much longer, since it’s only a matter of time before he and Jessica get together.

This episode ended with Bill being captured in silver by the witches, Alcide saving Sookie after she was shot, and Eric being cursed (again) by Antonia. I don’t speak Latin, so I’m not really sure what she said to him, but I did catch the word “servus” in there, which I think means “slave,” so that doesn’t bode well for our sculpted amnesiac Viking. I just want to know if this new curse will include the side effect of restoring Eric’s memory. I’m definitely ready for sassy Eric to resurface, but not if he’s going to be working for Antonia. It’s amazing how this show manages to be so frustrating and so captivating at the same time. And as we near the end of the season, I can only assume that it will be getting even more so.

Photo Courtesy of HBO

Marnie/Antonia (whom I will henceforth refer to as “Marntonia,” to eliminate confusion … and because it’s fun) started recruiting for her side of the fight, appealing to another woman who had been traumatized by vampires: Tara. My heart breaks for this girl. Once again, she had to give up something she loved, all because some supernatural evil was chasing her. After Pam almost killed Tara and Naomi, she had to give her girlfriend the tough love speech to get her to leave town so she wouldn’t get killed when Pam came back for vengeance. (Side note: I love Pam to death for her fashion sense and finely tuned sarcasm, but I wish she would stop picking on Tara.) Marntonia preyed on Tara’s rage and resentment of vampires and got her to join her, which sort of reminded me of Maryann back in season two. She also took advantage of Tara’s pain and troubled past to gain her trust, and eventually it lead to even more heartbreak for Tara. I wish that poor girl had just stayed in New Orleans with her girlfriend and her cage fighting.

Her cousin isn’t faring much better, after a very stressful and disturbing few days in Mexico getting to know Jesus’ brujo grandfather, and his Tio Luca, whom Lafayette got to know a little too closely, if you know what I mean. (This is the one time in True Blood history that “if you know what I mean” does not imply something sexual.) Lafayette was appropriately freaked out by the whole experience, and appropriately angry at Jesus’ gramps for throwing a rattlesnake at his boyfriend. This is one of the reasons I love Lafayette. His reactions to all this supernatural stuff are always so real, and they generally include a lot of creative profanity, which is exactly how I would react if I was attacked by a vampire or stuck in a room with my boyfriend’s crazy relatives. At least Abuelo answered the question of what Lafayette’s power is: He’s a medium! Which means he can tell us who that woman/ghost is who keeps singing to baby Mikey in French. And what does she have to do with that creepy doll and the fire that burned down their house? Honestly, I really don’t care. This plotline is deader than the ghost who seems to be at the center of it.

Sookie and Eric, after having sex on every available surface, cuddled and talked about their feelings, which reminded us just how different this new Eric is from the old, memory-filled Eric we knew and loved. Eric asked Sookie if she would still feel for him after he regained his memories, but she couldn’t give him a definite answer except that she hoped she would. Eric confessed that he didn’t want to remember who he was, even if he was, “a Viking vampire god who bows to no one,” as Pam tried to tell him last week. It’s so interesting to see how different Eric is without his memory, and I think it shows that Eric is at his core a kind, gentle soul. Even if Sookie doesn’t think she’ll feel the same way about Eric when he regains his memory, I think their time together has affected both of them and opened a door that can’t be closed again. Seeing Eric this way reminded Sookie of the goodness that she saw in him before (like when he was willing to sacrifice himself to save her and Godric) but didn’t really give any credence to at the time. I think when Eric is himself again, he will have changed from this experience, and so will the way in which Sookie sees him.

And now, let us commence the “What were you thinking?” portion of this recap. First up, Sam Merlotte. Your little brother killed his abusive parents (in self-defense) and inadvertently became a Skinwalker, a disturbing and painful transformation about which he presumably has no knowledge or understanding. He accidentally takes on your body, has sex with your not-girlfriend, and then ends up in the hospital after almost dying on the floor of your trailer, and your reaction to all this is to kick him out and tell him to never come back? Seriously? Sure, Tommy had a little too much fun being Sam, and he could have at least tried to restrain himself when Luna took her dress off right in front of him, but it’s not like he ruined Sam’s chances with Luna. She of all people understands what a Skinwalker is, so it’s not like Sam has to figure out how to explain why he slept with her and then was a douchebag about it. No harm, no foul. Would it kill Sam to be there for his little brother, now that he has no one else in the world? I used to think Sam was one of the more human characters on the show, but he has about as much compassion for his own brother as Russell Edgington had for that reporter whose spine he ripped out on television.

Next up: Alcide, for a couple of (less valid) reasons. Number one: What were you thinking getting back together with Debbie? I guess we’re supposed to believe she has some redeeming qualities or something, but I just cannot see past all the crazy. She acts like a normal, stable person (sort of), but you can tell there’s a sociopath just below the surface, just waiting to pop out and attack you when you least expect it. Number two: What were you thinking following Sookie into the woods to catch her having sex with Eric? I know you were just looking out for her and making sure she was safe, but know you’ve just gone and made everything all awkward and complicated. Here’s some advice: Dump Debbie. Don’t give up on Sookie. And next time you catch her and Eric getting it on, just join the party. I suspect that’s secretly what every True Blood fan really wants to see. That, and to see Bill die a fiery, painful, and preferably embarrassing death.

That being said, Bill was actually relatively tolerable again this week, which is something of a record for him. On a scale from one to I-want-to-gouge-my-eyes-out-with-a-melon-baller, I’d put this week’s Bill somewhere between eye-roll-inducing, and subconscious-teeth-grinding-whenever-he’s-on-screen, in terms of the Annoy-O-Meter. He made some oddly reasonable-sounding points about not killing Marntonia, because “answering killing with killing is what lead us to this.” I was fully prepared to rip Bill apart for overreacting to Marntonia’s threat (going to ground in silver seemed pretty extreme considering they didn’t even know when or if Marntonia would attack), but unfortunately Bill was kind of right. (My eye started twitching as I was typing that sentence.) I guess even a blind, ugly, lying bastard squirrel finds a nut every once in a while. That still puts Bill at about one for seventeen million when it comes to good judgment calls.

Unfortunately, Bill wasn’t smart enough to add an extra layer of silver to Jess’ bindings, so when Marntonia unleashed her scary magic wind on all the vamps, drawing them out into the sun, Jessica evaded multiple layers of security (RIP Bucky) and managed to make it to the front door. I’ve got to admire Jason’s hustle when he realized what was going on and rushed to Jess’ aid. I really hope that Jason still remembers how to tackle from his football star days so he can take Jessica down before she burns. I think Jessica is a great character, and she still has a lot of growing to do, so I hope she survives the season. Not to mention the fact that she’s pretty much the only thing that brings out the less-insufferable side of Bill, so if she’s going to bite the dust, she should at least have the decency to take Bill out with her.

Photo Courtesy of HBO

When we last left off, Eric and Sookie were making out on the front porch, and Bill had his panties all in a bunch because he found out Sookie lied to him about hiding Eric. Sure enough, Bill — being the expert cockblocker that he is — barged in on Sookie and Eric (who had moved to the couch), and proceeded to get his ass kicked by Eric (who is much older, scarier, and generally more awesome than Bill). This scene was wonderful for two reasons: the aforementioned ass-whooping of Bill Compton, and the fact that Eric was shirtless. All in all, a great way to start an episode.

Sookie tried multiple approaches to get Bill to free Eric, including reason (ha! Bill wouldn’t know reason if it watched him get beaten by V addicts so it could feed him its blood), mercy (no dice; Bill has no soul and certainly no sense of human decency), and of course, the classic, “If you ever really loved me” routine. I actually enjoyed this interaction between Bill and Sookie because it was the first honest conversation they’ve had all season, maybe ever, if you consider the fact that their entire relationship was based on a big fat evil lie. Sure they were yelling at each other, but they were yelling honest things, like the fact that Bill has been a little man-slut, but he got all pissy just because Sookie was kissing Eric. Unfortunately, none of Sookie’s words convinced Bill to release Eric.

Oddly, it was Eric’s words that persuaded Bill to spare his life. Just as he was about to meet the true death (courtesy of Bill and his pointy silver spike), Eric asked Bill to tell Sookie: “I was born the night she found me, and because of her, I went to my true death knowing what it means to love.” (Please excuse my heart while it explodes in my chest.) But Bill doesn’t have a heart, so this beautiful testament only prompted a scowl from His Royal Ugliness. What stopped him from killing Eric was when he said, “After I’m gone, I hope you [and Sookie] find your way back to each other … ’cause she deserves happiness, with whoever can give it to her,” which is just a completely ludicrous (but nonetheless adorable) thing to say to Bill Compton when he’s about to kill you. I probably would have gone with something more along the lines of “Your hair is stupid and you have no friends,” but then Bill probably would have actually killed me, so there you have it.

Some might say that Bill sparing Eric shows that he is merciful, and that he’s still a redeemable character. That is entirely possible. However, in my eyes, he is completely irredeemable and there’s nothing anyone can do to eliminate my hatred for Bill. But that’s just me. I would argue that Bill did not free Eric out of the goodness of his (alleged) heart, or out of mercy, or even out of his love for Sookie. I think he did it because he knew that if he killed Eric, Sookie would never forgive him. Granted, the chances of her forgiving him for all the other crap he’s done to her are pretty slim, but she definitely wouldn’t forgive him if he killed Eric when he was in such a helpless state. But I guess if you’re a fan of Bill (is that possible? Do they exist?) then this was a big moment for you, so congratulations and no one cares. I tend to agree with Pam, who called Bill “a self-loathing, power hungry, pompous little dork.”

But enough about Bill, let’s talk about Alcide and his sexy Henley shirt. I love a man in a Henley, and as much as I would prefer for Alcide not to wear a shirt at all, if he has to wear one, it should be a Henley. Also contributing to Alcide’s hotness level this week (which is consistently off the charts) was his sexy jaw twitch prompted by his anger at finding that creepy Shreveport packmaster talking to Debbie about joining his pack. Personally, I think this is a great opportunity for Debbie to get into all kinds of fun new trouble (and hopefully get herself killed), what with her being an evil skank and all, but I do feel bad for Alcide and his sexy twitchy jaw.

Alcide was also kind enough to tell Sookie (and us) that you can’t make a were by biting someone (i.e. Jason); you have to have been born into a were bloodline. Too bad no one told Jason this before he started running around the woods shouting, “I’m a police officer … and a werepanther!” at anything that moved. Luckily, Jessica found him (after sensing his fear, since he has her blood in him), and she vowed to stay with him until he changed … or at least until things got notably awkward and they both said goodbye. I have to say, I felt as traitorous as Jason must have, because I love Jess and Hoyt together (when she’s not lying to him and altering his memory), but I totally swooned at their adorable heart-to-heart under the full moon. He confided in her that he sometimes wishes he had something that made him special, aside from being really really good at sex. She asked how he could possibly think he’s not special. (Awww.) Then Jason probably had some kind of flashback to his sex dream about him and Jess and Hoyt, so he got all jumpy and gave Jess an awkward “go get ‘em, tiger” arm punch before running away.

Meanwhile, in Mexico, Jesus and Lafayette were having the weirdest, scariest “meet the family” visit ever. While Jesus and his brujo grandpa were talking about pride and sacrifice over breakfast, Lafayette was having a staring contest with the fried goat tongue on his plate. Little did he know this would be one of the high points of their trip. Things were put in perspective later that night when he was holding Jesus’ head in his lap after crazy abuelo had thrown a rattlesnake at Jesus, fangs first. Lucky for them, Lafayette was briefly possessed by Jesus’ Tio Luca (which adds a whole new level of weirdness to their relationship), who somehow saved Jesus from the snake venom, and apparently will protect him from future supernatural harm. I think (and I’m not at all sure about this) that the moral of this story is Marnie’s not the only one who can channel powerful witches to protect her. Or, don’t mess with wild animals because they’ll bite you in the face. One of those was definitely the lesson here.

Other semi-important events that I don’t have time (or care enough) to comment on included some super awkward Skinwalker sex between Tommy (masquerading as Sam) and Luna; Arlene’s demon baby burned their house down (or Rene’s ghost, or faulty matches); and Marnie now seems to be fully possessed by a really angry witch named Antonia, who wants revenge on the vampires who tortured, raped, and killed her during the Spanish Inquisition. Oh, and Tara and her girlfriend made heads turn at Merlotte’s when they showed up holding hands. It’s funny to think that in a town full of vampires, werewolves, and witches, a couple of lesbians could really cause that much of a stir. But I guess the people of Bon Temps needed something to talk about while they waited for their food, since apparently all the waitresses at Merlotte’s were either sifting through the debris of their burned-down homes, in the woods comforting Jason Stackhouse, or fired by Tommy impersonating Sam. Honestly, the service in that establishment must be terrible.

Photo Courtesy of HBO

Eric told Sookie he had a bad dream, and she let him crawl into bed with her. (By the way, I love how in Eric’s dream, Sookie was wearing a sexy pink negligee, but in real life, she was wearing an over-sized t-shirt with creepy cherubs on it.) Sookie reminded Eric that he’s not evil, and that Godric would have liked to see him this way, so vulnerable and in-touch with his feelings. Godric has always brought out the humanity in Eric. The first time Sookie really saw that Eric is capable of love was when he cried over Godric’s death. She comforted him then, and she comforted him again in her bed while he cried over his Maker once more. I think every time Sookie sees Eric cry, she falls a little more in love with him. (I know I do). And apparently her Gran has noticed too, and does not approve.

Sookie went to Marnie’s one-stop Wicca shop (which I swear is the exact same set they used for the Magic Box on Buffy the Vampire Slayer) to try to infiltrate their coven, but instead she got a bona fide message from the Other Side, courtesy of Crazy Marnie. It was pretty awesome how Sookie could hear Gran’s voice by listening to Marnie’s thoughts. What was not so awesome was how Gran knew that Sookie has been developing feelings for Eric and told Sookie not to give her heart away, because the situation is “temporary”. A good rule of thumb – you should always listen to your grandmother, especially when she’s dead, because she wouldn’t go to all that trouble to tell you something unless it was really important. Sookie did follow Gran’s advice to run away from Marnie, but she seemed to kind of ignore the bit about not giving her heart away to Eric. At least, it looked like she was blatantly ignoring that advice when she started kissing Eric on her porch after she stopped him from leaving. So I’d like to amend that rule of thumb and say that you should always listen to your grandmother unless what she tells you is in direct contradiction with your making out with Eric Northman.

But enough about ghosts and dead spirits, let’s take a minute to focus on the newly dead, whose spirits haven’t even had time to percolate before they think about coming back to wreak some vengeance. That means you, Joe Lee and Melinda Mickens, we hardly knew yee … but we still really didn’t like yee. Joe Lee totally deserved to have his skull smashed in, and Melinda was just an abused wife who kept loving a monster. That whole family did more harm to each other than they did to anyone else. (Except for Sam, who revealed that he’s killed two people.) Now whenever Tommy gives Sam crap about how he shot him in the leg, Sam can just be like, “Yeah? Well you killed our parents.” But really, these Shifter brothers need some serious therapy. At least they got to spend some real quality time together this week. Nothing says “brother bonding” like evading a law officer with your parents’ dead bodies in a van, and then tossing them in a creek for gators to munch on. Next time, maybe they should just go fishing together like normal brothers.

In other abnormal-sibling-relationship news, Jason had an epiphany this week after his traumatizing experience in Hotshot: everything bad that has ever happened to him has been because of sex. Unfortunately, I’d say Jason giving up sex is about as likely as me becoming the president of the Bill Compton Fan Club, so Jason should probably just learn from his sister and get used to bad stuff being a recurring theme in his life. On the plus side, sometimes his suffering is amusing, like his vampire-blood-induced sex dream about Jess, which turned into a sex dream about him and Jess and Hoyt, which turned into a sex dream about Hoyt. Am I the only one that took this as a sign that Jason should think about trying men for a little while? I’ve always felt like Jason’s story and Tara’s are kind of parallel: they’ve both had to deal with losing their lovers to supernatural forces, they both grew up without strong father figures, and now they’re both trying to deal with the aftermath of rape. Tara has found some peace in New Orleans in a relationship with a woman, so is it crazy to think that Jason might gain some solace from exploring his sexuality a bit? Of course, I think in the end that Jason and Tara are meant to be together. But that’s going to take a while.

Bill continued his streak of not making me want to pull all my hair out every time he’s on screen, and he was even kind of a badass for a second when he went face to face with Marnie to make sure she was telling the truth about the spells she’d been casting on vampires. I was really hoping she would get possessed by the hardcore Spanish witch she’s been channeling and throw some curse at Bill to make him think he’s a ten-year-old girl, or at least make him dance like a monkey or something. But no such luck. Pam was so frustrated by their lack of progress on reversing her face-decay (and regaining Eric’s memory) that she accidentally let it slip to Bill that Eric was cursed, and that he’s staying at Sookie’s. If there was anything Pam could have said that might have elicited some mercy from Bill on Eric’s behalf, the news that he’s staying with Sookie was definitely not it. And I’m betting Bill rushes over there to find Sookie and Eric still making out on the front porch; some manly fang-bearing ensues, and Bill tries to have Eric killed. For real this time, none of that bury-him-in-cement stuff like he tried last time. Will Bill’s love for Sookie stop him from killing Eric? Or will Eric punching Bill in the face stop him from killing Eric? Personally, I’m rooting for option B. But I’d also be happy if Sookie used her fairy magic to fry Bill. Really any scenario in which Bill gets the crap beat out of him is fine by me. I’m sure I’ll have time to imagine several more scenarios before Sunday night.

 Photo courtesy of HBO