The Newsroom (from the creator of The West Wing) gives a behind-the-scenes look at a fictional cable news show, and its talented cast includes Jeff Daniels, Emily Mortimer, John Gallagher Jr., Alison Pill, and Sam Waterston. If you missed our previous post with trailers for the show, watch them here. The Newsroom premieres on HBO on June 24 at 10 p.m. ET.

(Photo courtesy of HBO.)

King’s Landing

Sansa awakens from an unpleasant nightmare to an even more terrifying reality. Her bed sheets are covered in blood and she has officially become a woman. Why isn’t she happy and excited like other giggling young girls? Because it means little Joffrey babies in her future. She tries to hack her mattress to bits. Shae tries to help her hide the evidence more effectively. Shae even chases down another handmaiden who walks in on them and threatens to gut her if she blabs to the Queen. But all their efforts are in vain when the Hound shows up and views the whole bloody scene.

Queen Cersei has a heart to heart with her terrified little successor, bluntly warning her that Joffrey will never show her any true devotion. But it needn’t be a bleak, loveless existence: “You may never love the king, but you will love his children.”

But Sansa isn’t going to be pushed into motherhood just yet. The king has bigger things to worry about. Stannis Baratheon’s fleet of 200 ships is sailing towards King’s Landing and they’re only about 5 days out.

The Riverlands

Robb continues his flirtation with Talisa, inviting her to ride with him to the Crag stronghold to negotiate surrender. She can replenish her dwindling medical supplies and he will have the opportunity to sweet talk her away from the disapproving eyes of his mother.

Robb also receives word from his returning messenger Sir Alton (a distant Lannister cousin) that Queen Cersei ripped up his peace terms. He places him in the Kingslayer’s cage until a new one can be built to house him. Alton happens to be a BIG fan of Jaime Lannister. He once squired for him in battle – still the best day of his life. Jaime listens patiently as his cousin moons over him, then draws him closer with tales of his own youth. He begins to whisper about an escape plan he’s concocting … and then bashes in Alton’s face with his shackles. The commotion draws a guard into the cage and Jaime is able to wrap his chains around the guard’s neck, choke him to death, and free himself.

But he doesn’t get very far. He’s dragged back to the Stark camp the next morning, with everybody screaming for his head. Lord Karstark, the father of the guard Jaime choked, is roaring louder than everyone else. He has his hand on his sword, ready to make a fatal swing. But Catelyn Stark intervenes, demanding he stand down in the name of the King in the North. Jaime is still worth more dead that alive. Karstark is still fuming and he is not happy about being ordered around by someone’s mommy.

Later, Catelyn brings Brienne along for a private conversation with Jaime. She’s worried that he won’t last the night with the all the rowdy, angry, drunken soldiers just outside his cage. But he seems determined to egg her on, starting in on her about Ned’s infidelity and her shame at having to raise Jon Snow. He keeps at it until Catelyn demands her sword from Brienne and draws it on him.

Harrenhal

Lord Tywin is trying to figure out who shot Ser Amory Lorch with a poisoned dart. He views it as a failed assassination attempt on his own life and he wants someone to pay! Gregor Clegane believes it to be an infiltrator from a group of outlaws called The Brotherhood, but no one has had any luck in locating them. They operate in secret, with support from the peasants. Tywin sends Gregor Clegane out to teach the insolent peasants a lesson. “Burn the villages, burn the farms. Let them know what it means to choose the wrong side.”

Winterfell

When Theon discovers that the two Stark boys are missing, he’s livid. When one of his men dares to suggest it’s Theon’s own fault for letting Osha into his bed, he kicks his face in. What’s really creepy is that Theon has this one nasty crewmember, Dagmar Cleftjaw, who pushes him toward violence. Theon always glances at him for encouragement before releasing his inner Hulk. Dagmar just smirks happily as Theon extracts blood. Is this his messed up way of showing pride? Ewww.

Theon and his men take their horses and hounds (This is so random, but does anyone else remember that moment in Notting Hill when Hugh Grant pretended to be a reporter from Horse and Hound so he could spend some time with Julia Roberts? That was cute.) on a manhunt for Bran and Rickon. Maester Luwin begs Theon to spare the boys’ lives and Theon promises that if he finds them soon he won’t hurt them … much. “Come Maester, don’t look so grim, it’s all just a game.” Ugh. That one line says so much about Theon’s character. This IS all a game to him, one that he’s not happy unless he’s winning.

Bran, Rickon, Hodor and Osha reach a local farm where they once sent Winterfell orphans Jack and Billy. Rickon wants to go ask them for food, but Bran doesn’t want to put them in danger in case Theon shows up and tortures them for information. I like that Bran has embraced the gravity of his role as Lord of Winterfell and he’s putting the safety of his people first.

Theon arrives at the same farm hours later, but the hounds can’t pick up the scent of the boys. They do find Rickon’s walnut shells on the ground. Theon sends the Maester away to prepare for what he must do when he finds Bran and Rickon. When Theon returns to Winterfell he unveils two small burned blackened bodies while Maester Luwin moans in pain.

Beyond the Wall

In the wake of the last few episodes of Game of Thrones I’ve been reading a lot of fan comments from people who think there should be ‘less talking and more stabbing’ on this show. I can understand the sentiment because this season has so far been light on battle and heavy on conversation. But I’m actually a bigger fan of dialogue than I am of gore so I’m all good with the chit chat!

…unless that chit chat is THREE scenes on the subject of someone’s balls. Yes, even if those balls belong to Kit Harrington. I mean REALLY!? Ygritte wakes up in the frozen northland and finds a surprise pressed up against her back: “Did you pull a knife on me in the night?” Jon is mortified and Ygritte quickly realizes that he’s a virgin. She decides to torture him about it – endlessly – for three bloody scenes. Stones, bones, blueballs, clubs. You’ve never done it in the keep? You’ve never done it in with some sheep? You’ve never done it with a man? You must’ve done it with your hands! My God – it’s like the Green Eggs and Ham of sexual grilling! She tries to lure him over to the wildling camp where they’re allowed to get naked with whomever they want. She offers to teach him how to ‘do it’, then she threatens to whip out her va-jay-jay in the middle of the snow-covered wasteland. So … even when we’re not watching people go at it, we have to listen to people swooning about the thrill of going at it? SIGH.

Eventually Ygritte is able to wrench her rope free from Jon’s grip and she takes off again. When Jon chases her down she’s got company. She’s flanked by wildling warriors, with others appearing on the mountaintop to surround Jon.

Qarth

Dany is grieving the death of her handmaidens and the loss of her dragons. She starts to doubt herself and her destiny. Will people in Westeros really rise up to support her claim to the throne? Who can she really trust in this world? She’s getting a little fed up with all of Sir Jorah’s fawning and warns him not to be so familiar with her.

Xaro calls a meeting of The Thirteen to uncover the dragon thief, but they all maintain their innocence … except Pyat Pree. He freely admits to placing the Dragon’s in the House of the Undying. He procured them with the help of The King of Qarth. Wait … the who? There is no King of Qarth, right? Turns out Xaro hasn’t exactly been upfront with our Khaleesi. He made an alliance with Pyat Pree because he wants to open up Qarth to the rest of the world and bring the city into the future. More ugly bald men appear behind the rest of The Thirteen to slit their throats. I’m a little confused because they all look exactly like Pyat Pree. Can he multiply himself or is he from a race of creepy identical old bald dudes?

Pyat Pree is still blathering about the Mother of Dragons being with her babies and nurturing them forever in the House of the Undying. Dany doesn’t know what brand of crazy he’s buying into, but she ain’t having it! She tries to run. Jorah show sup to stab Pyat through the gut, but that is apparently not fatal to a Warlock. He disappears and reappears a few feet away. The message is basically this: If Dany wants her dragon’s back, she’ll have to journey into the depth of a mad house to find them.

Favourite Scenes

Again, I loved the interactions between Arya and Lord Tywin. He’s such a ruthless, cold-hearted man and yet he asks a serving girl to sit with him and eat his mutton because he’s not fond of it., and he starts talking to her about his own mortality. “This will be my last war, win or lose .. .this is the one I’ll be remembered for.” He tells her the story of Harrenhal’s destruction, when it was blasted by dragon fire and reduced to ruin. Arya corrects him when he talks about Aegon’s conquest, reminding him that Aegon’s two sisters also rode on their dragons and rained down their own fire. “Aren’t most girls more interested in the pretty songs?” “Most girls are idiots.” When Tywin dismisses Arya and sends her back to the kitchen he stops her briefly to remind her that low-born girls are supposed to say m’lord, not my lord, as she has been doing. “If you’re going to pose as a commoner, you should do it properly.” But Arya doesn’t blink or buckle under the pressure of that statement. She throws back, “My mother served Lady Dustin for many years my lord, she taught me how to speak proper… err … properly!”

I love how many dynamics are at play in this one scene. Arya is not only looking at Tywin as her current master, but as an enemy of her family. There is a great moment where she stares at his exposed neck while he’s facing the window and grasps her dinner knife tightly. Class also separates them, even though both of them seem to be aware that it’s a lie. But they’re playing into that lie carefully. Arya amuses Tywin because she’s smart and cheeky, but there is a line he cannot allow her to cross. He warns her to be ‘careful girl’ when she asks him how many stonemasons he’s actually met. And bubbling underneath it all is this giant secret that could blow up at any moment; that Arya is a Stark, a valuable asset hidden right under Tywin’s nose.

There was also a great scene between Tyrion and Cersei where she admitted to him that she’s lost control of her cruel eldest son. She doesn’t come right out and say it, but she is basically talking freely about her incest. “Sometimes I wonder if this is the price for what we’ve done … for our sins.” In his own way, Tyrion is trying to comfort his sister, telling her the Targaryens wed brother to sister for thousands of years. Ah yes, but half of them went crazy didn’t they? Tyrion tells Cersei that she’s beaten the odds – that Tommen and Myrcella are sweet, decent children. Cersei starts to cry and Tyrion inches closer, as if he wants to reach out to her but isn’t sure how to do it. His glance is flitting around the room – anywhere but at his sister – and he stops about a foot in front of her. She looks up at him in pain, but weary of his closeness, and they just stay at that distance. Wow.

Favourite Quotes:

The Hound: (to Sansa) “You’ll be glad of the hateful things I do someday, when you’re Queen and I’m all that stands between you and your beloved King.”

Random Guard Dude (to Brienne): “Keep your hands off me woman”
Brienne: “Don’t enter without an invitation, MAN!”

Tyrion: “It’s hard to put a leash on a dog, once you’ve put a crown on its head.”

Photo Courtesy of HBO

King’s Landing:

The royal family gathers at the docks to bid adieu to the weeping little princess Myrcella who is sailing off to Dorne. Cersei remains composed, but rage simmers beneath the surface. As she waves goodbye to her only daughter, she tells Tyrion, “I want you to know what it’s like to love someone, to truly loves someone … before I take her from you.” Tyrion turns toward his sister and sizes her up with a look that I couldn’t quite read, but it chilled me to the bone. Was he angry with her? Did he feel sorry for her? Scared for his fate? Is he plotting her demise? Dammit Tyrion, stop being so deep!

As the Lannisters file back to the castle, the peasants begin to taunt King Joffrey. Then someone throws a cow-pie straight at his face. Yup – our favourite masochist was smeared with feces, poop, dung, doodie, kaka! Now, I’m no fan of an ass kabob whooping, but I’d like to think I could take it in stride. The country is at war, soldiers are dying, people are starving in the streets. What’s a little fudge brownie in the face compared to all that? But I’m not an entitled, selfish, psychotic, he-devil. How do you think Joffrey took it? Not. Well. He starts yelling, “Kill them all!” All of them? Like the whole city? Then who would be left for you to torture tomorrow?

Not surprisingly, the people aren’t exactly keen on being killed and they start to riot. The violence escalates quickly; starving citizens are pouncing on anyone who looks like they bathed recently, guards are hacking people to bits, women are screaming and running.

In all the chaos, Sansa loses her escort and finds herself at the mercy of a gaggle of perverts. She’s about to be brutally ravaged, when The Hound appears and dispenses of her attackers in a spectacular fashion. “You’re alright now little bird.” That was actually kinda sweet!

Behind the safety of the castle walls, Joffrey starts ranting about shocking disloyalty of his subjects. ?!?!? Tyrion is PISSED! “We’ve had vicious kings and we’ve had idiot kings, but I don’t know if we’ve ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!” Joffrey ignores the wisdom of the insult and instead starts spazzing about his uncle daring to speak to him in such a fashion. Tyrion wallops Joffrey across the face, even harder than he did back in the series premiere. “And now I’ve struck a king, did my hand fall from my wrist.” Nerds everywhere suffer vocal chord injuries cheering him on!

Harrenhal

Tywin throws a tizzy when one of his incompetent foot soldiers, Ser Amory Lorch, accidentally delivers a strategic message to the wrong person … someone who is sworn to the service of House Stark. GULP! Ser Amory is embarrassed to admit that he can’t read and he’s further shamed when Arya shows off her own literary prowess by fetching Tywin a correct book.

Littlefinger pays Twin a visit and proposes an alliance with the Tyrells. The Lannisters need more men, Loras wants revenge on Stannis, and the Tyrells are one of the wealthiest, most influential families in Westeros. Oh yeah, and Margaery really, REALLY wants to be Queen of everything. Having spent some time with Littlefinger in her own identity, Arya comes slightly unraveled in his presence; knocking things around, spilling wine and comically trying to hide her face. Personally I found it hard to believe that he wouldn’t recognize her right away. Her haircut is as much of a ‘disguise’ as Clark Kent’s glasses.

While cleaning tables, Arya pockets a message relating to Robb. She runs off with it, but is intercepted by Ser Amory before she can make her move. Still reeling from his earlier humiliation, he tries to drag Arya back to Tywin to explain herself. She manages to break away and runs straight to Jaqen H’ghar to demand her second death. She needs Ser Amory to drop dead … like NOW! Jaqen tells her it’s not that simple and can’t be done on command, but apparently it can. Ser Armory strides purposefully into Tywin’s chambers and keels right over – with a dart in his neck. Huh.

Winterfell

Little Lord Bran is awoken by a commotion and groggily stares into the face of his foster brother Theon Greyjoy. His confusion soon turns to horror when Theon informs him that he’s taken Winterfell and Bran is to yield the castle to him. I love how exasperated Theon gets when Bran declares he’ll fight him off instead! He sighs like, ‘Oh this dumb child doesn’t understand his role in this situation.’ So he comes over to sit on Bran’s bed and explains to him that he’s supposed to yield if he wants to keep his people alive, “That’s what a good Lord would do.” Brain reluctantly agrees but he says the most heartbreakingly perfect thing to Theon: “Did you hate us the whole time?” Damn that’s a good line!

Everyone is corralled into the courtyard and Brain declares that Prince Theon is now in charge of Winterfell. People are disgusted and repulsed by their former ward and his treacherous behaviour. Particularly Ser Roderick who spits right in Theon’s face. It’s a defining moment for ‘Prince’ Theon. He can brush it of and look weak in front of his men or elevate the conflict to a level he’s not quite comfortable with. With his crew staring him down, Theon chooses to execute Roderick for his insolence. It’s AWFUL. Brain is wailing in horror, Theon is hacking at Roderick’s neck like he’s trying to fell a tree, blood is spurting everywhere … one big huge UGH.

Osha volunteers to join Theon’s fight if he puts a spear back in her hand, but he laughs her off. Later she tries a new tactic and shows up naked. Now she’s speaking his language. Women don’t carry spears, they service spears! Boo-ya! She beds the new Lord of Winterfell and sneaks off into the night while he’s passed out. She takes out one of Theon’s guards and leads Bran, Hodor and Rickon and out into the forest.

Theon is so weak-minded and pathetic. He’s constantly searching for validation in every corner of his life, but he never gets any because he has no convictions. He wanted his father to validate him as an heir, but he was treated like a pansy foreigner. He wanted his men to validate him as their leader, but they mocked him. Now he wants the people of Winterfell to not only obey him but to treat him like any other conquering hero. But they’ll never afford him the respect or begrudging admiration they would give to someone who won a battle. To them, he’s a snivelling traitor they once sheltered; who turned on his own people and now expects them to bow down to him. It’s a vicious cycle because the more Theon is rejected, the more frantic and maniacal he becomes.

What’s really awful is that Robb Stark was the one person who saw Theon’s worth, valued his friendship and respected his opinions. But Theon’s own insecurities made him sabotage that relationship. And sabotage it he has, in quite a spectacular fashion!

The Riverlands

When Robb receives word of Theon’s betrayal, he wants to tear back to Winterfell to kill him, but the King cannot leave the battlefield in the middle of a war and he puts one of his men in charge of taking back his home.

Oh, and the flirtation that Robb has going with this Talisa chick? I’m not cool with it. I try not to get into book spoilers in these recaps, but cover your eyes if you must because here comes a minor SPOILER ALERT: Robb romances a completely different girl in the books and their relationship brings about PLENTY of drama and conflict. Why switch the character up and replace her with this broad? She seems uppity and too feisty and I’ve decided to hate her

Beyond the Wall

Qhorin Halfhand’s Band of Brothers reaches a wilding watch party and attacks them while they sleep the day away (apparently they do their prowling at night). The remaining survivor makes a run for it but Jon Snow grabs him … err … her. When Jon pulls back the wildling’s hood he realizes he is dealing with a feisty redheaded girl. She’s ornery and defiant, refusing to answer Qhorin’s questions about Mance Rayder’s army. The wildling girl, Ygritte, is Jon’s capture and Qhorin and the rest of the watchmen leave him to ‘take care of her’. Jon steels himself to chop off her head, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Awww, my sensitive sweetie! Jon hesitates, Ygritte runs off and he’s forced to chase her down.

By the time he’s recaptured her, darkness is falling and he’s lost the rest of his party. He’s forced to tie her up and hunker down with her to keep warm during the night.

Qarth

Dany is still refusing Xaro’s offer of marriage, opting instead to bargain with the ‘Thirteen’ for their ships. She makes impassioned speeches about her birthright and her destiny, but they remain unmoved. She may be the Mother of Dragons, but she’s still a penniless little girl in their eyes. They are shrewd businessmen who “deal in logic, not passion”. They don’t believe she will be take back the Iron Throne and repay them.

I love Dany, but this is the first time she’s ever looked childish and desperate to me. The more they question her, the more she falters. She doesn’t have an army, she can’t confirm the existence of any true allies, and she hasn’t even set foot in her homeland since she was a baby.

She returns to Xaro’s palace to find that the guards have been slaughtered, the place has been ransacked, and her precious dragons are missing. We see a shot of the creepy warlock Pyat Pree shuffling up the stairs to the House of the Undying … with a large cage on his back.

Sex and Violence

The riot was pretty gross:

- A mob tore a priest’s arm out of its socket and held it up as a prize.

- The Hound sliced one of Sansa’s attackers so badly his innards unraveled to the ground.

Not really any sex in this episode – although I did laugh out loud when one woman’s top got ripped off during the riot in King’s Landing. Leave it to Game of Thrones. It’s not a party until someone shows a little boob!

And of course there was the ‘disgruntled’ spooning scene between Jon Snow and Ygritte. She kept shifting her body around and rubbing up against him while he made weird faces and snapped at her to stop moving. I think we ALL know why he was so testy. (Pun intended!)

Favourite Scenes:

The heart to heart (of a sort) between Arya and Tywin. I love when Game of Thrones makes an unlikely pair out of two characters. Tywin is such a bastard and yet he recognizes something in a poor little girl (who’s actually a wealthy little lady, but whatever) that he admires. He takes the time to ask her questions about her father and seems genuinely interested in her answers. He tells her stories about his own experiences teaching Jaime to read. And when she oversteps her station to ask him a question about his own father, he allows her the freedom to do it. It’s in these simple conversations that I learn the most about these characters and I love them!

Favourite Quotes:

Theon: “Ser Roderick, It grieves me that we meet as foes”

Ser Roderick: “It grieves me you’ve less honour than a back alley whore!”

Photo Courtesy of HBO 

Check out two promos from HBO:

What do you think? Will you be watching? The Newsroom premieres Sunday, June 24 at 10 p.m. ET on HBO.

(Photo courtesy of HBO.)

The episode begins with a with a fatal knife plunge as Melisandre’s creepy shadow baby blows through King Renly’s tent and stabs him from behind while Brienne and Catelyn Stark stare in horror. How annoyingly inconvenient for Catelyn, who was on the verge of a peace treaty that would see Baratheon and Stark battling their common enemies together “as they have done many times before.”

But it’s even more unfortunate for poor Brienne who is hunched over Renly’s fallen corpse when the other knights burst into the tent. They holler, “You’ll die for this!” – but they’re the ones who bite the dust when Brienne slices through all three of them in a powerful fit of grief and rage, before collapsing to the ground, wailing. Gwendolyne Christie is mesmerizing and I’m still so impressed with how weird she looks. Her outpouring of emotion was heartbreaking and highly embarrassing at the same time. I’m never sure whether to feel sorry for Brienne or just cringe at her incredible awkwardness. Good Job! Brienne is distraught and stubborn, clinging to Renly’s body, but Catelyn convinces her that they need to run. Brienne can’t very well avenge Renly from beyond the grave. Hey, if a shadow could slay him in the first place … anything is possible!

The Tyrells are also horrified by their King’s murder. Loras gazes down at his fallen lover with genuine grief and pain, filled with burning hatred for Stannis. His sister Margaery observes her dead husband with a cold aloofness … and maybe a touch of annoyance. It was awfully thoughtless of Renly get himself killed and ‘put you out’ like this, Margaery. She paces around the tent tutting about the danger they are in and insists they go home at once. Renly’s captivating charm holds little sway as he grows cold and his bannermen are readying themselves to grovel at Stannis’ feet. But the Tyrells were far too deep in Reny’s pocket (and his pants) to switch alliances now. Even though suspicion has fallen on Brienne, Loras is convinced that somehow, someway Stannis is responsible for Renly’s death and he wants to stay and skewer him. With a little help from Littlefinger, Margaery manages to wrench Loras away from Renly and they make their escape.

Stannis better watch out – Loras the delicate beauty and Brienne the awkward beast are both out for his head!

By the time Stannis arrives, the Tyrells are long gone and the other bannermen have dropped to their knees like cheap hookers. With the numbers finally in his favour, Stannis is plotting to take the Iron Throne; readying his assault by land and sea. But first … Davos would like to discuss the tiny little matter of DEMON BIRTHS! Stannis shuts him down, but agrees to leave Melisandre behind when they set sail for King’s Landing.

King’s Landing

Cersei is making plans for the impending siege of King’s Landing, but refuses to share them with Tyrion. She’s still a tad bitter that her deformed brother is wielding power. Luckily for Tyrion he still has his sniveling incestuous cousin under his thumb and Lancel coughs up Cersei’s secrets. The Queen has been meeting with pyromancers and amassing a large supply of wildfire: the ingredients for a flame that can burn through almost any substance.

So … Cersei and Joffrey will be in control of an arsenal of unstoppable fire? Egads! Thank god Tyrion is as unnerved by idea as I am and quickly intervenes. He visits the storage center under the city and informs the pyromancers, “You will no longer be making wildfire for my sister. You’ll be making it for me.” If someone HAS to cause massive destruction it should at least be somebody with a firm grip on reality!

I’m starting to wonder whether Tyrion is becoming TOO smooth? In the books, he wielded his intelligence and quick wit like a weapon but he was still awkward and odd because he was an ‘ugly dwarf’. But in this series, he’s all swagger and confidence – without the undercurrent of self-doubt. Look at the way he was with Lancel, mocking him by pushing him out into the streets and forcing him to tell Bronn, “Please kill me if anything should happen to Lord Tyrion.” Because Sean Bean is no longer headlining the show, Peter Dinklage became big man on campus. And the writers are scripting him in the badass image the media has given him, rather than the more conflicted character he should be. I’m torn because I love to watch him, but I think he needs a little more vulnerability at this point.

In Tyrion’s defense he was perturbed to learn that the city folk were calling him a demon monkey behind his back, but he seemed more offended on principle than actually hurt. It’s a shame that the city can’t see that he’s the best thing for them – he’s really the only non-moron at the helm.

Harrenhal

Arya is busy flitting about the castle waiting on Lord Tywin’s every request. The shrewd old man wasted no time sussing out her Northern heritage, but still has no inkling that the missing Stark girl is the child filling his cup.

While on an errand, Arya encounters one of the three criminals whose lives she saved during the fire. ‘This man’ is Jaqen H’ghar and he owes her three deaths in return. The Red God (who Jaqen worships) was cheated and the scales must be balanced. Arya may speak any three names to Jaqen and their deaths will come to pass. She ain’t quite buying it, but Arya chooses ‘The Tickler’ (the primary torturer from the Lannister army who captured them) as her first name. Jaqen is true to his word and the Tickler later crashes down from a balcony in the courtyard; his head completely twisted around.

The Iron Islands

Theon is getting less respect than Rodney Dangerfield but he’s not exactly doing himself any favours. He greets the crew of his one and only ship puffed up as a peacock. But royalty doesn’t demand respect on the Iron Islands – you have to EARN it with victory. His crew mocks and degrades him, barely acknowledging his authority.

And how exactly is a scrawny, over-privileged, North sympathizer going to raise his stature by raiding fishing villages? Well he’s not. But if he were to ignore orders and forge his own path by attacking Torrhen’s Square (a castle in the north) while the Northmen are away South … THAT would be a ballsy move. Ugh, Theon is so wishy-washy he didn’t even think of the plan himself. One of his less hostile crew members whispered it in his ears.

Winterfell

Bran has started to take his role as Lord of Winterfell more seriously; hearing grievances from his bannermen and proving them whatever support he can. I love how every once in a while the writers feel compelled to remind us that Rickon exists. He sits beside Bran noisily breaking rocks in this episode. How about actually giving him a line or two? That might keep him in our minds.

Bran is still having messed up dreams; not only of the three-eyed crow but of the Sea rushing over Winterfell. As he recounts his nightmare to Osha, Sir Roderick runs up to tell him that Torrhen’s Square is under attack!

The Wall

The Nightswatch is travelling further north. And there’s lots of snow and stuff. So … yeah that’s still happening. I remember reading Jon Snow’s chapters in A Clash of Kings – with visions of his TV hotness dancing in my head – thinking ‘damn he’s fine, but nothing ever happens in these chapters!’ That feeling translated perfectly to the TV screen.

The Nightswatch does reach the remains of an ancient fort, the Fist of the First Men, and meets up with the rugged old Ranger, Qhorin Halfhand. They learn that the wildings, under the guidance of their King (and Nightswatch defector) Mance Rayder have formed a massive army intent on moving South. Jon volunteers to accompany Qhorin on a targeted mission to attack wilding watchposts so Mance won’t receive words of their passage.

Qarth

As the special guest of Xaro, Dany is being showered with gifts and enjoying the spoils of Qarth-ean wealth. One beautiful gown spurs tension between her two handmaidens who bicker over Dany’s proper role. The Western girl is dying to see her dressed up like a Princess while the Dothraki woman barks that she is not a princess – she is a Khaleesi! I don’t remember any tension of this sort in the book, but I find it interesting. I always wondered how Dany’s original Dothraki followers responded to her more regal Western image as the story progressed. It goes against all their cultures and traditions. I guess after you’ve seen someone hatch dragons you’ll worship them now matter what they’re wearing!

Dany attends a party thrown in her honour where Xaro surprises her by proposing marriage. He doesn’t make her heartbeat quicken but Dany is tempted by his offer of endless resources to take back the crown of Westeros. News travels slowly across the Narrow Sea and Dany learns for the first time that King Robert is dead and the battle to replace him has become a free for all. Ser Jorah pleads with Dany not to accept Xaro’s offer of marriage – to trust that they can wait and rely on many allies within Westeros. Bringing a foreign husband on her journey home would do more harm than good. Um, didn’t she already have a foreign husband she was planning on taking to Westeros – one who wore thick eyeliner, roared in a guttural language and didn’t believe in shirts? Xaro would be far less shocking than Khal Drogo! Although Drogo would probably just slaughter everyone who opposed him and be done with it.

Favourite Exchanges/Quotes

(After Littlefinger calls Margaery as ‘your grace’.)

Margaery: “Calling yourself King doesn’t make you one. And if Renly wasn’t a king then I wasn’t a Queen.”
Littlefinger: “Do you want to be a Queen?”
Margaery: “No I want to be THE Queen.”

- Again, the writers have chosen to be quite blatant and definitive about Margaery’s ambition and true motives. I like where they’re going with it. It will make her character’s future plotlines much juicier.

Cersei: “Aren’t you always so clever with your schemes and your plots.”
Tyrion: “Schemes and plots are the same thing.”

Tyrion: (to Lancel) “Even torturing you is boring…”

Photo Courtesy of HBO

And tune in this Sunday at 10pm for the next new episode, “Catherine” … we get to meet Selina’s daughter and the search is on for a Vice Presidential dog!

Photo & Video Courtesy of HBO

In this video, Harris discusses the world that she’s created in the Southern Vampire series, the TV series that was born from her pages, and bringing that story to a close in 2013.

If you love True Blood or are a fan of Harris’ work, you’ll be thrilled to know that her Harper Connelly series (probably my fave of hers) is being turned into a TV series by Syfy called Grave Sight, which is also the title of the first book. If you haven’t heard about these books yet, they’re about a young woman who is able to hear the dead after she was struck by lightning as a teen. And of course, the fifth season of True Blood is set to begin on June 10th on HBO.

Photo and video by Melissa Girimonte Copyright © 2012 TheTelevixen.com

King’s Landing

Apparently Joffrey’s previous psychotic behaviour was him ‘showing restraint’ because he comes completely unhinged in this episode. After learning of Robb Stark’s latest battle victory, Joffrey drags his betrothed in front of the court and uses her as a whipping post. But to clarify, Joffrey doesn’t actually administer the beating – he orders his equally sadistic Kingsguard to swat her around. Joffrey is the type of sicko who just likes to watch. And watch he does – gleefully – as his knights unburden Sansa of her clothes and reduce her to a helpless, quivering mess. Thankfully Tyrion marches into the throne room and puts a swift stop to the cruelty.

Bronn suggest that perhaps Joffrey is simply experiencing some ‘blockage’ (of the sperm variety in case I wasn’t being crass enough) and Tyrion sends his nephew some brothel girls to loosen him up. Yeah, that does not go well. Joffrey doesn’t take kindly to their attempts at being ‘friendly’ and instead orders one to whip the other while he aims a crossbow at them and smirks disgustingly. The horrified girls have no choice but to obey their repulsive little monarch. It may be a sign of how much this show has warped my mind that when Joffrey picks up a giant wooden scepter and tells one of the prostitutes to use it … my mind went somewhere worse than beating!

So Tyrion’s attempts at ‘managing’ Joffrey were less than successful, but he has much better luck with another cocky Lannister boy. Lancel, Cersei’s cousin and Jaime 2.0 is sent to Tyrion’s chambers to demand Pycelle’s release from prison. He enters puffed up like a peacock, but is soon begging for mercy after Tyrion threatens to reveal his incest. “Have you ever given any thought to what King Joffrey will say when he finds out you’ve been bedding his mother?” Tyrion blackmails the weak, pliable young man into spying and informing on his lover/cousin.

Harrenhal

We got a new location in this week’s episode, which meant a new pop-up in the fantastic intro! The Mountain and his goons drag Arya, Gendry and the rest of the prisoners to Harrenhal, a giant black fortress, burned by Dragonfire. It’s a bleak and desolate place that most people swear is haunted.

But ghosts are the least of Arya’s worries as she watches members of her party tortured and killed during brutal interrogations. The questions are pointless and inane and it seems to make no difference that no one knows the answers. One person is chosen everyday to meet a gruesome fate, but every night Arya lies down in the dirt to sleep, whispering the names of everyone she wants to see dead, “Joffrey, Cersei, Ilyn Payne (executioner who murdered her father), the Hound, Polliver (interrogator), The Mountain”.

Tywin Lannister becomes Arya’s unlikely savior when he pays an unexpected visit to the camp and chastises the Mountain for killing prisoners who could be used for free labour. Better to slave than slaughter I always say! Hilariously, he immediately recognizes that Arya’s a girl and makes everyone else feel stupid for not seeing it. Arya covers by saying she travels as a boy because it’s safer and Tywin makes her his new cupbearer. Of course, he was no ideas she’s a STARK girl.

The Stormlands

Renly and big brother Stannis arrange a meeting, but it’s no warm and fuzzy family reunion. Renly mocks his brother’s choice of bedfellow … err … priestess and Stannis remains belligerent and unmoving. He gives Renly one night to come to his senses and declare his loyalty to the one true king or he’ll destroy him. With a flock of banners and 100,000 men behind him, I can’t blame Renly for scoffing at that.

Littlefinger pays Catelyn an unwanted visit and she goes red-hot ragey. He stood by and watched as her husband was murdered. He also helped it along, so it’s a good thing she only knows half the story! Somehow Littlefinger misses all the signs – the venom in her voice, the KNIFE she’s brandishing – and tries to hit on her?!? So um, now that your husband is out of the way, what say you and I…? When that half-baked plan fails, Littlefinger moves on to Tyrion’s proposal. If Catelyn releases Jaime, he’ll give Catelyn her daughters. Littlefinger also presents her with a chest full of Ned’s bones as a gesture of good faith from Tyrion.

Sidenote: What is it with Margaery Tyrell’s outfits? Did someone paint a lampshade, turn it upside down and shove it over her shoulders? There are some incredibly beautiful wardrobe pieces this show, but all we’ve seen from Margaery is high-class call girl and alien chic!

As night falls on the Riverlands and Renly has still not conceded to Stannis, Davos Seaworth takes Melisandre on a smuggling operation under a castle. There she gives birth to a terrifying shadow creature. I say ‘terrifying’ because I’m assuming that’s what the writers were going for. It’s hard to tell because I was laughing too hard to focus. Really, GOT writers? REALLY?!?

Qarth

One of Dany’s bloodriders returns to with good news of a magnificent city willing to welcome the Mother of Dragons, but Qarth has a dark reputation. The ‘Garden of Bones’ outside its gates grows with every traveller turned away. When Dany arrives, armed guards bar her entrance and she’s greeted outside the gates by ‘The 13’ – powerful men who govern the city. They refuse her entry until she shows them her dragons. Uh-uh boys! Buy a Khaleesi some dinner first! Dany tries pleading with them but loses patience as they calmly disregard her starving followers. She threatens to burn them to the ground when her Dragons are grown, but her desperation is showing. The 13 merely chuckle and bid her adieu … except one. A man named Xaro Xhoan vouches for her and she’s allowed to enter the city.

Sex and Violence

You know how when you read a book and there are these enchanting mysterious scenes that play beautifully on paper and inspire your imagination? And you wonder how someone could stylistically portray them on screen in a way that’s captures their magic in a subtle way?

For Game of Thrones, the answer is sadly – they can’t. Instead they choose to have the 1991 Demi Moore cover of Vanity Fair give graphic full frontal birth to a Ringwraith. Horrifying and hysterical at the same time. Melisandre giving birth to a shadow could have been intriguing and eerie if twisted around a little. Instead there was absolutely no mystery, just an awful, laughable labour scene. If someone ever wants an example of why literal interpretations don’t always work – point to this scene!

By the way, are we all clear on the fact that Renly is gay? Was his complete disinterest in his sexy wife and his groping of Loras’ man parts obvious enough? Because, just in case it wasn’t, GOT really, really wants to make sure you get it. Littlefinger needles Margaery about why she’s not sleeping in the same tent as her husband: “I did notice your brother entering his Grace’s tent.” Two Lannister soldiers playing Deadliest Warrior with a notorious knight decide Loras can’t be that great with a sword because “He’s been stabbing Renly Baratheon for years and he ain’t dead”. Renly = Gay. Got it?

The violence factor was really high in this episode. It was so brutal that I’ll have to take my boyfriend’s word for what happened during a few scenes because I was covering my eyes and ears. Some poor boy lost his leg on the battlefield, rats burrowed through people’s chests (apparently this also happened in a scene in The Fast and the Furious, but all I remember from that film was a lot of cars and then … zzzzzzzz), and I accidentally saw a guy’s head being hammered onto a stake. I’m not saying TV violence is bad per say, just that I’m a wimpy baby and can’t watch it.

Favourite Scenes:

Everything with Tyrion. This was definitely a mediocre Game of Thrones episode, but he almost made up for it with his swagger.

I love how he defended Sansa when Joffrey was abusing her: “She’s to be your Queen. Have you no regard for her honour?” Swoon. He toed the line carefully, belittling his nephew king without outright threatening him. And when one of the Kingsguard accuses him of using threats he orders Bronn to kill him if he speaks again: “That was a threat. See the difference?”

The scene with Lancel added a brilliant bit of comedy to the episode as well. I love that Tyrion’s mind is always working and he’s constantly coming up with new plots on the spot. When he received the order to free Pycelle, you could see the wheels turning as he tried to figure out how to swing the power dynamic back in his direction. Then he turned on poor little Lancel and you just knew he was done for. I was killing myself laughing when Lancel started protesting that sleeping with Cersei wasn’t his fault. “Did she take you against your will? Can you not defend yourself knight? Oh yes it must have been terrible.”

Favourite Quotes:

When Renly tells Littlefinger, “I don’t like your face.” HA! They were using that one back in ye olde days? Guess some insults stand the test of time

Photo Courtesy of HBO

King’s Landing:

Tyrion has thrown a lot of damn balls in the air and he’s having trouble keeping them all from crashing down. He’s worried about what Cersei will do if she finds out he’s keeping Shae in the city, so he tries to convince her to pose as a kitchen wench. But the lady has gotten used to fine silks and soft beds and throws a tizzy over the idea. They settle on a new disguise as Sansa’s handmaiden.

But Tyrion has much bigger problems than uppity whores. There are far too many eyes and ears on his small council and he needs to determine whom he can trust. Using his enviably clever mind, he orchestrates a ruse to weed out traitors. Separately, he invites Grand Maester Pycelle, Littlefinger and Varys to his chambers and spins a tale about Princess Myrcella’s fate. To Pycelle he reveals that Myrcella will marry the Prince of Dorn to secure an alliance with the Martells. To Varys he confides a plot to wed her to Theon Greyjoy for the loyalty of the Iron Islands. As for Littlefinger, he requests assistance convincing Lysa Arryn to agree to a match between her son Robin and Myrcella. Littlefinger of course wonders ‘what’s in it for me’, and Tyrion promises him the massive – and potentially haunted – seat of Harrenhal. Tyrion’s real plans remain a mystery at this point. He just sits back and waits to see who sings first.

When Cersei comes to him raging about Myrcella being ‘sold’ to Dorn, Tyrion has his answer. He bursts in on dirty old Pycelle while he’s boinking a prostitute, hacks off his beard and has him thrown in the black cells.

Littlefinger is pretty peeved that he was toyed with, but Tyrion offers him a sweet consolation prize. He’s trying to orchestrate Jaime’s release and asks Littlefinger to convince Catelyn to let him go. And we know how much Littlefinger looooves Catelyn. Does anyone else find something strange in the way Littlefinger speaks? It sounds like a cross between a bad attempt at an accent and him swallowing his own moustache while talking. I don’t like it.

Sansa is practically catatonic after all the trauma she’s been through. She’s desperately sad, terrified to show it, and increasingly clueless as to how to ‘behave’ as Joffrey’s betrothed. During an awkward dinner, Princess Myrcella starts babbling happily about Sansa’s upcoming nuptials and how pretty all the dresses will be. Poor Sansa stares at her like she’s been skewered through the chest. Later she takes of her frustration out on Shae for her crappy handmaiden skills. But there’s a really great moment after Sansa has snapped at her and belittled her where Shae asks, “Do you want me to leave?” and Sansa replies, “Just brush my hair.” Anything to starve off the terrible black hole of loneliness.

The Stormlands:

Catelyn Stark arrives at Renly Baratheon’s camp to a very different atmosphere than the angry, serious energy she left behind at Robb’s camp. Everyone is good spirits, laughing and cheering as they watch knights battle for their amusement. She arrives just as Sir Loras Tyrell (the Knight of Flowers and Renly’s secret butt buddy for anyone whose forgotten) is beaten into submission by a hulking beast. The winning knight takes off HER helmet to reveal Brienne of Tarth – the tallest, most awkward, least feminine woman you can imagine. As champion of the tournament she only requests the honour of serving on Renly’s Kingsguard. He accepts and welcomes her into the fold, even though Loras and several of his closest allies look completely nonplussed.

And let me take a moment here to congratulate HBO on some STELLAR casting. When I was reading the books, I wondered how they were going to bring Brienne to life. She’s a key character but she’s depicted as so gangly and unattractive, I figured they would never a) find an actress with the ability or the balls to portray that and b) resist the urge to ‘pretty’ her up just a little. Well they found their girl and they went all out in the ugly department. Seriously, this is one very, very disturbing looking chick. She’s insanely tall, they’ve given her this stringy, boy mop on her head, and they’ve created this great makeup effect that makes her look like a sick albino. I tried to look up whether Gwendoline Christie, their brilliant Brienne, is actually that tall but couldn’t find out. I mean that would be a world record for a woman or something right? (Editor’s note: She’s 6’3″ according to her Wikipedia entry!)

When Catelyn is presented to Renly he expresses sympathy for her loss and vows to bring her Joffrey’s head. It’s so obvious that he has not yet felt the real pain and destruction of war. To him, it’s still an enthralling adventure. Catelyn calls him on his cocky exuberance” “My son is fighting a war, not playing at one.” But Renly’s greatest strength is his warmth and charm and Catelyn’s harsh words are only met with smiles as he puffs up his chest and shows her around, bragging about the 100,000 men at his command. Catelyn keeps poking, and tells Renly she feels sorry for his followers, because “they are the knights of summer and winter is coming.” Eventually Renly’s patience grows thin and he politely requests that Brienne take Catelyn to her accommodations while he goes off to pray.

Renly’s version of praying, however, has less to do with the gods and more to do with licking Loras’ abs. Renly tries to ravage his sexy little knight, but Loras is too busy pouting about Brienne’s appointment to the Kingsguard. And there’s a bigger problem as well. Renly has recently married Loras’ sister Margaery to secure an alliance with their father. But it’s been two weeks since the wedding and the matrimonial bed is … shall we say … getting dusty. Loras withholds affection and warns Renly to make a woman out of his sister (who is probably already more than a woman, but not ‘officially’).

What follows is the most embarrassing sex scene … err … non sex-scene we’ve seen so far. Margaery enters Renly’s bedchambers and disrobes in style while he babbles about how pretty her gown is and how much wine he’s had to drink. She tries several ‘techniques’ to put him in the mood. Watching him try to get into it is painful. He is just not having any of her girly parts. Then Margaery drops all pretenses and asks him whether he’d like Loras to come in and ‘help’ or maybe she should turn around and he can pretend she’s her brother? WHA??? Margaery is a calculating little minx and she warns Renly that if he wants to hold on to his power and his men, the best way to do that is put a baby in her belly. She doesn’t care if it’s in the middle of a three-way, so long as it’s done. Well … I guess romance is officially dead!

The Pyke:

Theon Greyjoy is still torn between two worlds – he wants to be embraced as Lord of the Iron Islands, but still has loyalty to his surrogate brother Robb Stark. He’s still trying to convince his father and sister that they can work WITH the Starks and achieve glory. But the more he holds to his Winterfell connection, the more he’s mocked and dismissed by Balon and Yara. Balon wants to strike at the North while Robb is South battling with Tywin Lannister and snatch his territory out from under him. Theon has to choose a side and choose quickly or he won’t be fighting for either.

Theon writes a letter to Rob warning him of Balon’s plans and then agonizes over whether to send it. In the end he makes his choice and burns the letter slowly over a candle flame. I really loved this detail because I always felt in the books that Theon turned on Robb without any pangs of consciousness. This gave his decision some depth.

The Road to the Night’s Watch:

Knights from King’s Landing catch up with Yoren and Arya’s group and attack them during the night. Yoren refuses to stand down and reveal Gendry’s identity. He tries to fight back, but is hacked up by the knights. They set fire to the area and in the chaos, Arya makes a strange decision to release the three caged criminals they’ve been travelling with. Guess she can’t stomach anymore senseless death. The knights capture their entire group, but fate intervenes on Gendry’s behalf. A young boy picks-up his bull helmet during the fighting and is killed with it. When the knights demands Gendry’s identity, Arya points to the dead boy in the bull helmet.

Beyond the Wall:

Craster has his crusty panties in a bunch over Jon Snow’s snooping and banishes the Night’s Watch from his lands. Lord Commander Mormont tries to smooth it over, but Jon is crushed to learn that Mormont already knows Craster is serving up his baby boys to forest giants. “Wildlings serve crueller gods than you and I and those boys are his offerings.” The Night’s Watch has their own battles to fight and sometimes playing nice with creeps like Craster can be the difference between life and death in the frozen north.

Sam feels awful that he wasn’t able to help Gilly so he gives her a special thimble from his mother. She protests that he shouldn’t give it away, but he stresses that he only wants her to keep it safe “until I come back.”

Winterfell:

Unfortunately we were subjected to more of Bran’s wolf walking dreams, which are starting to frighten him. He confides in Maester Luwin and worries that his dreams are real. After all didn’t he foresee his father’s death in his sleep? Maester Luwin brushes his concerns aside: “What about all the dreams you had that didn’t come true?” Luwin studied magic in his youth, “Maybe magic was once was a mighty force in the world, but not anymore.” He believes it died off long ago, with the dragons, giants and children of the forest. Well we know at least one of those things is alive and well. How much do you wanna bet that the other two are dancing around out there somewhere?

Sex and Violence:

Okay, so here’s the part where I admit that I am a hypocrite. I’ve been rolling my eyes and complaining about all the bouncing boobies on this show, but my first thought when Renly tried to hit the sheets with Loras was ‘HELL YA! Now THIS is the kind of sex scene I want to see!’ Oops.

But in my defense that scene was pretty damn tame compared to the brothel romps we’ve seen. And actually, that’s not fair! We’ve had enough female moaning and gyrating – can a sister get a little male passion on this show??? If you’re going to have a slut-fest, make it an equal opportunity slut-fest please!

I also have a bone to pick with the depiction of Margaery Tyrell. Again, this was an example of HBO interpreting implied elements of the book and exploding them in a way that destroys their subtlety (see Stannis and Melisandre). We don’t get any of Margaery’s POV in the book, but she’s depicted as a pretty, fresh young woman who at least LOOKS like a maiden. Is she more deceptive and manipulative than that? Some people think so, but we don’t really know. I think it’s fine for HBO to choose to portray her as an outright calculating temptress, but my problem was actually with something as simple as her wardrobe. Why on earth would someone pretending to be a sweet virgin wear a dress with a plunging neckline down to her belly button? She’s a high-born lady from one of the most respectable families in the Seven Kingdoms and we’ve never seen any examples of other women dressing that way. (Even Cersei, who would certainly be rocking it if it was a real look!) It seemed like a cheap way to make her sexy and it was completely laughable.

Favourite Scenes:

I’m usually not in love with Theon scenes, but I really enjoyed the heated exchange he had with his father. As Balon continues to belittle him, Theon finally yells, “You act as if I volunteered to go. You gave me away if you remember?” It’s frustrating for Theon because he’s being punished for his connection to the Starks, but he never had a choice in the matter. I think Theon disgusts Balon because he reminds him of his own weakness. He was forced to trade his son for peace when Robert Baratheon bested his army and quelled his rebellion. Theon can’t win no matter what he does because he’ll always be a reminder of Balon’s enemies and forever be an outsider in his homeland. If he was smart, Theon would run right back to Robb Stark who does accept him and love him like a brother. Sure, he wouldn’t be a Lord, but he would actually have a stronger place among the Northmen. But Theon is not smart.

There was also a wonderful little moment at Cersei’s dinner table when Little Tommen asks her “Is Joffrey going to kill Sansa’s Brother?” Cersei coldly stares at Sansa and replies, “He might. Would you like that?” She’s talking to her son but almost daring Sansa to speak out on Robb’s behalf. But then Tommen responds earnestly “No, I don’t think so.” I LOVED that. Tommen is just a little boy, but he’s already thinking about senseless death and it bothers him. It’s a spark of hope for the future of the Lannisters.

Favourite Quotes:

Cersei to Tyrion: “You think that paper father gave you keeps you safe? Ned Stark had a piece of paper, too.”

Varys to Tyrion: “Power resides where men believe it resides. It’s a trick, a shadow on the wall. And a very small man can cast a very large shadow.”

Photo Courtesy of HBO

King’s Landing

In the wake of some very, very poor decision-making on the part of Cersei and Joffrey, Tyrion starts throwing his weight around in King’s Landing. And for someone so slight, he’s making every pound count!

The brutal slaughtering of Robert’s bastards, particularly the tiny babies, did not go over well with the populace and Tyrion can feel the mood shifting in the city. Cersei couldn’t care less about the opinions of the smelly, unwashed masses, but Tyrion implores her to smarten up or face rebellion He quickly realizes that the citizens aren’t the only people Cersei is losing control over. She tries to hide it, but Tyrion picks up on the fact that the kill orders didn’t come from her. Joffrey was behind the extreme violence and didn’t even inform his mother before he gave the orders.

Tyrion invites the city watch commander Janos Slynt to dinner and, in a brilliant bait-and-switch, butters him up before stripping him of his title. He banishes Janos to the Night’s Watch – not just for his role in ‘baby-gate’ but because he’s an untrustworthy snake who took Ned Stark’s coin and then turned on him for a higher fee. Who’s to say he won’t switch loyalties if a new benefactor comes along?

The timing is actually quite perfect because the Night’s Watch has sent a letter begging King’s Landing for more men. The entire small council laughs off their request and their dire warnings (“Cold winds are rising and the dead rise with them”). But Tyrion respects the Wall, and the men who defend it. He’s not sure if he believes in walking corpses, but doesn’t treat it like a joke.

That’s one of the things I love about Tyrion – he’s not exactly a man of honour, but he does follow his own moral code that makes sense within the confines of his world. He’s smarter than Ned Stark, who blindly stuck to what was ‘right’ even if it led to death and destruction. Tyrion will do underhanded and unethical things to protect his family and his own comfortable lifestyle – but he never dismisses other people the way Cersei and Tywin do. Even though Ned spoke up against his family, Tyrion made a point of telling Sansa he was sorry for her loss and acknowledged Ned as someone she loved. He respects the Night’s Watch because they are passionate and devoted to what they do, even if he would never do it himself. He would abhor a life among the peasants, but that doesn’t mean he disregards them as humans. So many people in this story have very narrow views of the world, but Tyrion can actually see the big picture.

The Road to the Night’s Watch

Arya, my favourite feisty little girl, is making her way to the Night’s Watch with Gendry and a rag tag group of paupers and criminals. When a pair of knights stops their party, Arya hides in a panic, but they’re not hip to her gender-bending disguise. They’re only searching for Gendry so they can check him off their dead bastards list. Yoren (the officer leading the party, for those who don’t remember) protects Gendry’s identity, strips the knights of their swords and declares that all men with him belong to the Night’s Watch!

Arya peppers Gendry with questions about his ‘most-wanted’ status, but Gendry has no idea why he’s such a hot property. He is, however, much smarter than the rest of their travel companions and calls ‘Arry’ on his/her female parts.

Arya: “I’m not a girl!”
Gendry: “Yeah, well pull your cock out and take a piss then”.

No chance of that happening – so Arya fesses up and swears him to silence. But boy is he embarrassed when he discovers that she’s not only a girl, she’s a highborn LADY! And there he was joking about cocks and everything. Arya clocks him for calling her m’lady. These two have nice comic chemistry. I hope we get a few more light-hearted scenes between them before things inevitably turn dark.

The Pyke

Oh Theon Greyjoy … SIGH. How you irk me to my very core! But I guess that’s kind of your lot in this show, eh? Theon returns home to the Iron Islands all decked out in his finest clothes, expecting a lavish party and trumpets heralding his return. After all, he is Lord Balon’s only living heir, which makes him totally hot shit! Instead, his ship pulls up to a deserted dock and his only greeting is from a haggard old ship monger who’s never even heard of him. But at least he gets a ride to the castle with a buxom maiden who lets him cop a feel.

Too bad things pretty much go downhill from there. His father, Balon, doesn’t exactly welcome him with open arms. He mocks Theon for his fancy clothes and rips a gold pendant off his cloak, “Was it Ned Stark’s pleasure to make you his daughter?” Ouch. Oh and speaking of daughters, you remember your sister, don’t you Theon? No? Well meet Yara – you should at least recall sticking your hand down her pants on the ride over here. Oh dear.

Balon burns Robb Stark’s alliance proposal and declares he’ll join this war on his own terms – fighting AGAINST the ‘King in the North’. “No man gives me a crown. I pay the iron price.” As one final slap in the face to Theon, he appoints Yara commander of his fleet.

Across the Narrow Sea

Dany’s Khalasar is deteriorating quickly, wasting away without food and water. In a state of utter exhaustion, she spots a returning horse in the distance and stumbles towards it … only to discover that it is riderless. Inside a bag tied to the saddle, she finds the severed head of Rakaro … blood of her blood. The other khalasars are sending her a message. She regains some of her strength and swears vengeance upon the perpetrators.

I love Dany, but I feel like the writers are trying to include her in every episode because she’s a fan favourite and not because they’re actually advancing her plot. And it’s difficult because grueling, endless journeys can work beautifully on paper but are usually really boring on screen. Sam and Frodo stumbling around Mordor anyone? It’s been a while since I read the second book, but SPOILER – I feel like not a lot really happens to her in it. I’d rather the writers use her sparingly instead of forcing us to watch her putter around.

Dragonstone

Stannis is still pondering his next move – crippled by his lack of men. His right-hand man, Davos Seaworth, convinces the pirate Salladhor Saan to lend his forces but it still won’t be enough to take King’s Landing. Stannis needs the men who have deserted him in favour of his younger brother.

Stannis frets over his battle maps while Melisandre coos that she’s already seen victory in flames. He could see it too, if he would just let the Lord of Light into his heart … and put his penis in her vagina. I hate to get graphic here folks, but HBO totally started it! Plus, I’m not exaggerating. That’s exactly what happened.

Beyond the Wall

Despite Craster’s numerous warnings, Sam still strikes up a conversation with one of his frightened young wives, Gilly, after rescuing her from Ghost. She is terrified because she’s about to give birth to the next generation of daughter/wives … unless her baby happens to be a boy. Baaaad things happen to baby boys in Craster’s household.

They approach Jon Snow with a risky plan to sneak Gilly away from Craster and take her with them. Jon steadfastly refuses and cites Lord Mormont’s explicit orders.

Later that night, Jon is awoken by a strange noise and follows Craster as he sneaks off into the forest and leaves baby boy as an offering to a hulking monster. Craster discovers Jon watching and knocks him unconscious.

Sex and Violence

Okay here we go … SIGH.

On the violence score, this episode was fine – nothing over the top or unwarranted. But on the sex score? It was a non-stop nudie film.

- Littlefinger spied sex acts through a keyhole in his brothel and then had a lengthy conversation with a sad whore, quietly threatening her for not performing. I can’t imagine why this was necessary. Even if we needed the scene between Littlefinger and his prostitute (which I don’t think we did at all. I feel like every episode we’re having some interaction in his brothel, which did not happen in the books and doesn’t advance important characters so why are we going there?) we didn’t need to see him play peeping Tom earlier.

- Theon Greyjoy plowed a maiden on his ship before he arrived on the Iron Island, while she giggled and tried to convince him to make her his permanent sex slave. I do remember this scene from the books, and it does demonstrate Theon’s ravenous nature and disregard for women but they’ve already established that in the show and the scene had no impact on the rest of the episode.

- Theon fondles his sister’s breasts and then shoves his hands down her pants … you know, BEFORE he found out they were related. This was necessary to embarrass him and establish Yara’s mocking dominance, but it wasn’t nearly as graphic in the books and I felt like they took it further to increase the ‘shock’ factor.

- And then we come to Stannis and Melisandre’s sex romp, the scene that really infuriated me. In the books, there is definitely a relationship between them, but their connection is very secretive. It all happens behind closed doors and we don’t really understand the pull she has over him. I just think this scene was way too blatant and far too out of character for Stannis. It was cheap and tawdry and turned Melisandre into a common whore rather than an enchanting, dangerous seductress.

It probably seems like I’m a terrible prude and yes, I am a little guilty of that, but the sex just felt never-ending in this episode. One or two of these scenes wouldn’t make me bat an eye, but combined they are thoroughly eye rolling. Any validity they each have is overshadowed by the overall excessiveness. Other HBO shows can devolve into pure porn because they had no substance to begin with (I’m talking to you True Blood!). But Game of Thrones is better than that and I expect a less obvious form of storytelling.

Favourite Scenes

The scene between Cersei and Tyrion after he berated her for the baby-killing incident was really well done. Tyrion is quipping as usual, when she turns to him and says, “You’re funny, you’ve always been funny. But none of your jokes will ever match the first one, will they”? The very fact that he lived – a deformed creature – after he killed their mother in childbirth. “There’s no bigger joke in the world than that.” As much as I love Tyrion in the show I feel like he’s a little too cool sometimes. The Tyrion in the books was just as clever, but seemed more damaged because he was supposed to be uglier and more reviled by society. Cersei’s comments were a nice reminder of his outcast status.

Every Tyrion scene in this episode was fabulous though. I LOVED watching him toy with poor Janos and then move in for the kill!

Favourite Quotes

Cersei: (complaining about responsibility) “It all fell on me.”
Tyrion: “As has Jamie repeatedly, according to Stannis Baratheon.”

Tyrion: “I’m not questioning your honor Janos. I’m denying its existence.”

After Salladhor says he wants to fuck Queen Cersei if they take King’s Landing
Matthos Seaworth :“We’re not attacking King’s Landing so that you can rape the Queen.”
Salladhor: “I’m not going to rape her, I’m going to fuck her.”
Matthos: “As if she would just let you.”
Salladhor: “You don’t know how persuasive I am.”

Photo Courtesy of HBO