There is only one way to start this recap of the Mad Men Season Four finale. WTF. Seriously, WTF.

You know, I get why some people loved it. A few episodes ago, Don wrote in his diary, “People tell you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be.” This season, we’ve followed Don on his journey to be a better man. He started out in the lowest of lows after his divorce from Betty – overboozed, oversexed, desperate but not debonair – and then he took up swimming (and yes, writing in his journal), and started seeing Faye, a strong career woman who was, finally, a good match for him intellectually. Things were looking up for Don and it seemed like he was making real change in his life.

Then he went and *SPOILER ALERT* got engaged to his secretary. HIS SECRETARY. Don, you’re back-tracking! Sure, people who loved this episode will look to that quote he wrote in his diary a little while ago and criticize all us haters for wanting Don to be who we want him to be, rather than who he is. Is Don really no more than an overly impulsive man who prefers taking the easy way out? Maybe, but I find that disappointing. Sure, Megan’s nice and all – and OK, she’s great with the kids, and I love that – but they don’t know each other at all. She’s an easy cure for Don’s loneliness, someone who takes him just as he is (even though she doesn’t know his history), with no questions asked. Someone he doesn’t have to work for. As intelligent as Faye was, she wasn’t great with Don’s kids, and the relationship took effort. Maybe that was too much for Don?

Or maybe we should just blame California. Don sure gets dreamy when he’s out there – after all, the episode was called “Tomorrowland” – and maybe he got too revved up on west coast idealism to really think this through. Was he starting to realize that in the closing scene, as he stared out his dirty apartment window as “I’ve Got You, Babe” played in the background? Will we come back next season to find that Megan’s history?

I think I was most crushed when Peggy heard the news. I often feel like Peggy takes the role of the viewer, or at least I’ve found that her reactions to things usually mirror my own. Peggy has always looked up to Don but also calls it like it is when it comes to her boss, and I still maintain that the best episode of this season was the episode which really explored their conflicted relationship, “The Suitcase”. She’s seen Don start to get back on his feet and even admired his choice of girlfriend in Faye. So it was only natural that Peggy be flabbergasted, and, dare I say it, dismayed – by Don’s engagement announcement. Of course, Don had to rub it in (and oh, how this wounded me!) by saying that Megan not only looks up to Peggy, but that she reminds Don of her. Ouch! Not only did this gut me because I of course hope that Don and Peggy will get together one day, but also because, as Peggy wondered aloud later, does this mean that Megan will be promoted to copywriter? Just a few episodes after Peggy voiced her concern to Don that everyone thinks she slept her way to her position, Don may wind up giving his wife a position that further promotes this belief, and will wind up hurting Peggy’s reputation.

I’m not sure where this is headed, but I’m disappointed. Maybe I do want Don to be who I want him to be, rather than who he is, but if there’s no hope for a character – even an anti-hero like Don – why bother rooting for that character at all? I’ve wanted Don to change his ways for four seasons now, and all this hope just seems to be crushed over and over again. I guess I can hope that next season I’ll have my foot in my mouth and find out that Don’s marriage to Megan was a brilliant idea, but right now, I have doubts. I feel like Don is that little boy under the table in the Glo-coat commercial, the one who pitches nostalgia over and over no matter what the client, because he really can’t grow up. And maybe he never will.

And now, without further ado, the final tally for the Best Quotes of Season 4 (including quotes from this episode):

“Tomorrowland”:

“Oh no you didn’t.”
-Carla tells Betty what we’ve all been wanting to tell her since Season One.
+1

“You know, I just saved this company. I signed the first new business since Lucky Strike left. But it’s not as important as getting married … again.”
-Peggy, I feel for you. I really do.
+1

“Who is she?” – Faye. “Does it matter?” – Don.
-Nope, it doesn’t. Sorry, Faye.
+1 for both.

“There are no fresh starts. Life continues.”
-Poignantly spoken by Henry Francis.
+1

“Nobody’s on your side, Betty.”
-Truth, Henry.
+1

“It’s OK. I say goodbye to people all the time.”
Right before I bury them in my basement.
– Creepy Glenn
+1

“He thinks he’s the first guy to marry his 25 year-old secretary.”
-Joan thinks he’s not.
+1

“Just because you’re sad, doesn’t mean everyone else has to be.”
-SNAP, Creepy Glenn. Snap.
+1

“Hey, Pumpernickel!”
-Joyce to Peggy. Can we all just start talking like Joyce now? Please?
+1

“Megan, could you get us some ice? I’m teasing!”
-I love you, Roger Sterling.
+1

“You’re Maria Von Trapp.”
-Does that make Don Captain Von Trapp?
+1

“Who the Hell is that?”
-Roger says what we’re all thinking after Don announces his engagement to Megan.
+1

“It’s just a milkshake!”
-Seriously, calm the F down, Don.
+1 to the soon-to-be Megan Draper (yikes.)

This image of my favorite moment of the episode:

+1 each for Joan and Peggy.

“Yes, honey, they’re bigger.”
-Joan didn’t go through with the abortion? Shocker. (NOT.)
+1

The final running for the season:

Roger: 22
Don: 22
Peggy: 16
Peter: 10
Miss Blankenship: 8
Joan: 7
Faye: 5
Lane: 4
Freddy: 3
Ken Cosgrove: 3
Rizzo: 3
Henry: 3
Creepy Glenn: 3
Burt: 3
Sally: 2
Joey: 2
Allison: 2
Duck: 2
Joyce: 2
Honda exec: 1
Japanese translator: 1
Anna Draper: 1
Don’s old man neighbor: 1
Dr. Greg: 1
Harry: 1
Bobby: 1
Trudy: 1
Atherton: 1
Carla: 1
Megan: 1

Unbelievable!!! We have a draw between Roger and Don. Tiebreaker, anyone?

Photo Courtesy of AMC

“Chinese Wall”:

“Clients are always unhappy.”
-Truer words, Faye, truer words …
+1

“Peggy is so horny you can smell it on her breath.”
-Gross, Stan.
+1

“Why do you keep making me reject you?”
-Peggy: 1. Stan: 0.
+1

“Stop me at three.”
-Major LOLs to Don.
+1

“Your visit is premature … I shouldn’t say that around here.”
-Pete to Ken when he visits him at the hospital. Pete has tact?
+1

“You have the shoulders of an Olympian.”
-Did these kinds of pick-up lines really work in the 60s?
+1 to Abe

“I’m used to having my ideas rejected, not me.”
-Don says it like it is.
+1

“Blowing Smoke”:

“Beans are funny, but not in a good way.”
-They’re not, Heinz Guy?
+1 (Sorry, I don’t know Heinz Guy’s name.)

“She doesn’t care what the truth is, as long as I do what she says.”
-Sally on Betty’s amazing motherhood skills.
+1

“It’s like drinking a 100 bottles of whiskey, while someone licks your tits.”
-I’ve never tried heroine, but I’m pretty sure that’s NOT what it’s like, Midge.
+1

“So it’s Draper, Draper, and Draper?”
-That’s what the firm SHOULD be called.
+1 to Midge

“The product never improves, causes illness, and makes people unhappy.”
-Don on why he’s quitting tobacco (but not quitting smoking.)
+1

“Great! Don saved the company, now let’s go fire half of it.”
-Bet finding out that Don paid the $50 grand for him wiped his self-righteousness right off Pete’s face.
+1

“I’m leaving! Bring me my shoes!”
-This and the image of Bert leaving the office carrying his shoes earns him two points.
+2

“I’ve got to go learn a bunch of lines before I fire them.”
-Love you, Roger.
+1

The runnings for the season:

Roger: 20
Don: 20
Peggy: 14
Peter: 10
Miss Blankenship: 8
Lane: 4
Joan: 4
Faye: 4
Freddy: 3
Ken Cosgrove: 3
Rizzo: 3
Burt: 3
Sally: 2
Joey: 2
Allison: 2
Duck: 2
Honda exec: 1
Japanese translator: 1
Anna Draper: 1
Don’s old man neighbor: 1
Dr. Greg: 1
Harry: 1
Henry: 1
Joyce: 1
Bobby: 1
Creepy Glenn: 1
Trudy: 1
Atherton: 1

Photo Courtesy of AMC

This week, we have another audio recap for you, this time for “The Beautiful Girls”.

And for those who can’t get enough of this season’s greatest quotes, here’s the creme de la creme from “The Beautiful Girls”, and the running tally for the season:

“Are you going to the toilet?” and “It’s a business of sadists and masochists, and you know which one you are.”
-RIP, Mrs. Blankenship.
+2

“That’s rum, read labels.”
-Sally cannot tell the difference between liquor and Mrs. Butterworths.
+1 for both her hilarious mistake, and for Don for his advice for the future

THIS:

-Peter’s only appearance in the episode, and it was FANTASTIC.
+1

“Hey, my mother made that blanket!”
-Guess you’re going to have to wash that, Kinsey.
+1

“I’m going to go to my favorite restaurant and order a glass of cyanide … or you could join me.”
-Roger weighs his options.
+1

“Peggy, your boyfriend’s here.”
-Rizzo made me laugh out loud with this one.
+1

“She died like she lived … surrounded for the people she answered phones for.”
-Remind me NOT to ask Roger to speak at my funeral.
+1

“She was born in 1898 in a born and died on the 37th floor of a skyscraper. She was an astronaut.”
-OK, Burt can definitely speak at my funeral. Why isn’t he a copywriter?
+1

“I heard that on the death certificate, they listed the cause of death as Don Draper.”
-Marry me, Kenny Cosgrove.
+1

Totals for this week:

Mrs. Blankenship: 2
Sally: 1
Don: 1
Kinsey: 1
Rizzo: 1
Roger: 1
Burt: 1
Kenny: 1
Peter: 1

Total for the season so far:

Roger: 19
Don: 17
Peggy: 13
Miss Blankenship: 8
Peter: 8
Lane: 4
Joan: 4
Freddy: 3
Faye: 3
Ken Cosgrove: 3
Sally: 2
Joey: 2
Rizzo: 2
Allison: 2
Duck: 2
Honda exec: 1
Japanese translator: 1
Anna Draper: 1
Don’s old man neighbor: 1
Dr. Greg: 1
Harry: 1
Henry: 1
Joyce: 1
Bobby: 1
Creepy Glenn: 1
Trudy: 1
Atherton: 1
Burt: 1

Photo Courtesy of AMC

This week, instead of the usual Mad Men recap, we’ve got an audio recap for last episode, “The Summer Man”.

For those keeping track of all those priceless quotes this season, here are the best from “The Summer Man”, and the running tally from the season so far:

“They say if you have to cut down on your drinking, you have a drinking problem.”
- Uh, you think, Don?
+1

“More and more about Vietnam. I hope it doesn’t become another Korea.”
-Yikes. Good luck with that one, Don.
+1

“People tell you who they are, but we ignore them because we want them to be who we want them to be.”
-OK, so Don writing in his journal was cliche, but at least we got some juicy quotes out of it. Am I right?
+1

“Narrative, forced perspective … are you sure Joey did this?”
-I love it when Don pulls a sense of humor out of left field.
+1

“Just pretend we’re in a midtown hotel, and we both snuck away for the afternoon.”
-Was that a snipe at Joan’s affair with Roger, Dr. Greg?
+1

“This is why I don’t like working with women. You have no sense of humor.”
-Joey
“You’re fired!” And later … “Don doesn’t even know who you ARE!”
- Peggy. Joey, sorry, you just got OWNED.
+2 for Peggy!

“You ‘need’ a drink? What are you, a wino?”
-Henry Francis is really growing on me. Love it when he talks back to Betty.
+1

“You want some respect? Go out there and get it for yourself.”
-Don gives Peggy some great advice.
+1

“”It ate my change … and since Danny’s not here, we went to Peggy … but it turns out Joey has the smallest hands.”
-Kenny has some trouble with the vending machine.
+1

“It takes three ingredients to make a cocktail. Mountain dew and vodka is an emergency.”
-And also pretty gross.
+1 to the Pegster

“Tell Ray Charles to come in here and clean this up.”
-Don referring to Mrs. Blankenship. Amazing.
+1

“I can’t wait until next year when all of you are in Vietnam … Remember you’re not dying for me, because I never liked you.”
-Never, ever, EVER get on Joan’s bad side. Extra points for this scathing remark.
+2

Totals for this week:

Don: 5
Peggy: 3
Joan: 2
Henry Francis: 1
Dr. Greg: 1
Kenny: 1

Total for the season so far (Don is climbing in the ranks!):

Roger: 18
Don: 16
Peggy: 13
Peter: 7
Lane: 4
Miss Blankenship: 6
Freddy: 3
Faye: 3
Joan: 4
Allison: 2
Duck: 2
Honda exec: 1
Japanese translator: 1
Anna Draper: 1
Don’s old man neighbor: 1
Ken Cosgrove: 2
Dr. Greg: 1
Harry: 1
Henry: 1
Sally: 1
Joyce: 1
Joey: 2
Bobby: 1
Creepy Glenn: 1
Trudy: 1
Atherton: 1
Rizzo: 1

Photo Courtesy of AMC

1) Don Draper. Don, you’re a sorry mess these days with your raging alcoholism (although kudos to Jon Hamm for the most realistic puking noises I’ve ever heard on cable … that scene was GREAT), but you are one fascinating specimen of the male race. Between your ridiculous/amazing statements (“You should be thanking me every morning when you wake up – along with Jesus – for giving you another day!”), your questionable motives (Did you ix-nay on the dinner with Roger, Freddy, and his AA buddies because you a) needed to work on the Samsonite pitch b) couldn’t bear the thought of hanging out with those boring old fogeys c) knew you wouldn’t be able to get through a night without drinking or d) all of the above?), your hidden vulnerability (your crying over Anna’s death, the only person who’s ever known you, has spawned a fantastic Internet meme), and your amazing ability to maintain a façade (what happened to that vomit-stained shirt, anyway?), your many layers keep me on the edge of my seat every week.

2) Peggy Olson. A friend recently told me that my celebrity doppelganger is Peggy Olson, which kind-of made my whole life since she is basically the most awesome person ever. Not only is Peggy blessed with incredible wit and creativity (I will never get over the “he rents it” line from a few episodes ago), but her humanness brings a level of relatability to her character that most TV writers only dream about achieving. For example, in this week’s episode, we see her battle it out with the boss from Hell/her male counterpart in the most interesting love/hate relationship on television, take care of said boss when he gets too drunk, come clean to said boss about her feelings of inadequacy in the workplace and anger about the rumors that circulate there, and deal with a crazy boyfriend and even crazier family, and the best part is that while this is starting to sound like it could be an episode from One Life to Live, Peggy handles it all so expertly and realistically that viewers don’t feel like they’re watching a soap opera. Peggy is something for everyone, from the viewer who has problems with their boss to the one who worries that they’re never going to amount to anything. She speaks to the very essence of the human condition, which is what makes her so appealing.

This week’s episode was possibly my favorite from the entire series. I absolutely love the relationship between Don and Peggy, and I really appreciated how the writers took the time to hone in on that, without too many more complicated backstories. What’s the most fascinating to me is that Don and Peggy are so much alike … it’s almost like Don is a possibility for who Peggy could be in the future. They are both driven to prove themselves and want the world to see them in a certain, controlled way. Both have very deep secrets that few people know about, that haunt them more than they let on, even to themselves (making it especially refreshing when they opened up to each other in this week’s episode.) Both seem to undervalue sex and take advantage of the more stable relationships in their lives. Don is not only Peggy’s icon, but he also serves as a warning sign for who she could wind up being if she lets the similar aspects of her personality take over. Similarly, Peggy is a reminder to Don of who he used to be before his life was a mess, and I think this inspires him to look out for Peggy more than he does for most of his employees, however subconsciously. But I also think he doesn’t know what to do with these feelings of protectiveness.

Best quotes from this week:

“Everything to you is an opportunity! You should be thanking me every morning when you wake up — along with Jesus — for giving you another day!”
-Yikes, Don.
+1

“You know you’re cute as hell.”
-Please, please, please let Don and Peggy get married.
+1

“I wish I had a James Bond pen so I could shove it in the side of your neck.”  
-Joey is growing on me.
+1

“We can solve this problem with a flask.”
-Roger thinks he can solve EVERY problem with a flask.
+1

“Just need to concentrate.”  
-Duck proves he is a sloppier drunk than Don (who woulda thunk it!?) by almost defecating in Roger’s office.
+1

“Did you know that guy ran over somebody with a motor boat? How do you get over something like that? By drinking!”
-Roger has a point.
+1

Peggy: ‘You never say thank you!’  
Don: ‘That’s what the money is for!’  
-Employee/Boss relationships explained in two sentences.
+1 for each.

“If I wanted to see two Negros fight, I’d throw a dollar bill out the window.”
-And Ida Blankenship takes the lead in the running for the most racist quote of the series.
+1  

“Ida was a Hellcat? Cooper has no balls? Roger’s writing a book?”
-When Don gets the giggles, I get the giggles.
+1

From last week’s episode, “Waldorf Stories”:

“I can work like this. Let’s get liberated.”
-PEGGY I LOVE YOU
+1

“Great to see you, alive and everything.”  
-Duck’s back, y’all.
+1

“What, you want me to chase him down and ask if he’s serious? “
-I guess that means Peggy and Rizzo are going to hole up in a hotel room together because there is no way Mrs. Blankenship is going to run anyway.
+1

“The little punk is waiting.”  
-Mrs. Blankenship, if you keep this up, you’re going to win this thing.
+1

“You’re going to leave me here with all these gold naked ladies?”
-Roger brings sex into EVERYTHING.
+1

“I bet he takes you hunting and let’s you carry the carcasses in your mouth.”
-Rizzo gives his two cents on Don and Peggy’s relationship.
+1

“I just changed one little thing.”
-Rizzo, you just got PWNED. Well done, Peggy.
+1

“Je m’appelle Roger. Je suis un taxi, s’il vous plait.”  
-This made me LOL really hard. Roger, take French lessons.
+1

Total for the last two weeks:

Don: 4
Roger: 2
Peggy: 3
Rizzo: 1
Mrs. Blankenship: 2
Duck: 2
Joey: 1

Total for the season so far:

Roger: 18
Peter: 7
Peggy: 10
Don: 11
Lane: 4
Miss Blankenship: 6
Freddy: 3
Faye: 3
Joan: 2
Allison: 2
Duck: 2
Honda exec: 1
Japanese translator: 1
Anna Draper: 1
Don’s old man neighbor: 1
Ken Cosgrove: 1
Harry: 1
Sally: 1
Joyce: 1
Joey: 2
Bobby: 1
Creepy Glenn: 1
Trudy: 1
Atherton: 1
Rizzo: 1

Photo Courtesy of AMC

I loved the Sally plot this week. It has been fascinating to watch both the character and the actress who plays her – 10 year old Kiernan Shipka – develop this season. I was getting so restless watching the instability that is Don Draper and Betty Francis, so it was a relief to have Sally take a step towards perhaps being the catalyst that shocks these two into getting their acts together. I thought Sally cutting her hair was intriguing enough, especially with her outburst to the nurse/nanny that she suspects her to be “doing it” with Don, and that “doing it” entails a man peeing inside a woman. (Sally insists that a girl at school told her this, if by “girl at school”, she means Creepy Glenn. I mean, obvs.) But then Mad Men of course went and pushed the envelope even further when, in what must have been the most awkward TV scene to film EVER (remember, she’s only 10!), Sally masturbates to The Man From U.N.C.L.E.’s David McCallum at a sleepover, while her friend snoozes next to her on the couch. The friend’s mom brings Sally straight home and tells Betty that Sally was “playing with herself in public.” BTW, in my opinion, that was kind of an unfair statement. I mean, sure, masturbating while your friend is asleep on the couch next to you is a little weird, but I certainly wouldn’t go so far as classifying it as public. It’s not like Sally was touching herself in the middle of a crowded playground. Anyway.

Naturally, Betty completely overreacts to both of Sally’s antics, first slapping her across the face in front of Don and Henry when Don returns her home with short hair, and then threatening to cut her fingers off (yes, you read that right) if she ever touches herself inappropriately again. Both Don and Henry think Betty should win Worst Mother of the Year Award and admonish her for her overreaction. This week demonstrated to me that Henry Francis might not be such a bad guy after all, even if he was partially responsible for the broken home that Sally is now rebelling against. He gives Betty surprisingly poignant advice on how to handle Sally acting out – i.e., not threatening to chop off her fingers or slapping her across the face – as well as convinces her to take Sally to a therapist. I seriously hope that the writers let us listen in on some of Sally’s therapy sessions because they are sure to be fascinating.

Back at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, Honda Motorcycles are considering moving away from their agency-of-record, Grey, and are offering agencies $3,000 to make a competitive presentation. SCDP has received an invitation to compete. Two decades after the fact, Roger is still pissed off about World War II and is adamant about not wanting to work with the Japanese. Of course, this results in an absolutely incredible slew of extremely offensive/rather amazing racial slurs. Don, Burt, Peter, and Joan attempt to take part in the competition without letting Roger know and study up on Japanese etiquette with the help of the book The Chrysanthemum and the Sword. Don takes Bethany on a field trip to the well-known Hibachi joint (which had apparently was brand-spanking-new then), Benihana. Peter, the residential expert on the protocol of how to deal with the Japanese, imparts the wisdom that “We don’t have to do anything but avoid criticizing them or giving advice.” Anyway, Roger inevitably finds out about the meeting and proceeds to crash it, entering with the quip, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know this meeting was happening. But then again, I know how some people like surprises.” Then, when the Honda execs don’t take the hint that the meeting is over, he adds another zinger: “They won’t know it’s over until you drop a big one. Twice.” (Is it terrible of me that I find the shock value of these statements so positively delightful?)

The Japanese Honda execs are a delight themselves. The translator is absolutely magical. When they’re getting the tour and enter the “Creative Lounge,” his translation of the description of the room is simply, “I have no idea what this room is for.” Also, I LOVED how the Honda guys are enticed with Joan’s figure: “How does she not fall over?”, one of them wonders. Joan remarks, “Not very subtle, are they?” as they ogle her breasts, and the translator replies, “No, they are not!” SUCH A WIN.

And Christ on a cracker! Peter is turning into such a little progressive! Don, Bert, and Peter confront Roger, who defends himself by talking about all the buddies he had that died in WWII, but Pete has just HAD IT. He straps on a pair of balls and outbursts, “You know every chip I make, we become less dependent on Lucky Strike, and therefore less dependent on you.” I also loved that later, Joan was the one to soothe Roger with the rather touching line, “You fought to make the world a safer place, and you won, and now it is.”

And finally, I can’t really end this review without talking about the BRILLIANT scam that SCDP pulls on CGC. CGC’s obnoxious creative director, Ted Chaough (Kevin Rahm), is gloating because they won Clearisil after SCDP dropped the account, and is taking every opportunity to taunt Don. (Although, am I the only one wondering why they are bragging about getting sloppy seconds?) Since CGC is also an independent agency with little cashflow, Don tricks them into believing that SCDP are breaking the rule about presenting completed work and are producing a commercial for the Honda pitch, when really, they are just renting out a soundstage where Peggy rides a red Honda motorcycle around for a while (THE BEST). Chaough decides he needs to outdo SCDP, so he spends mad dough doing an ACTUAL commercial, and then Don impresses the Honda execs by resigning from the competition, citing the fact that they are breaking their own rules. Way to use your manipulation skills for something other than getting a girl to sleep with you, Don! High fives all around.

In the end, I absolutely loved this episode and thought it was one of the best of the season so far. Here’s hoping the writers keep it up (and Don can continue to keep it in his pants.)

Here are some of the best quotes from the past three weeks (sorry for no recaps for the past two weeks, folks … I actually work in advertising and it’s not all martini lunches and hookers. I’ve been a bit bogged down with work.)

From this week’s episode, “The Chrysanthemum and the Sword”:

“You’re always asleep in here!”
- and pretty much everything Don’s new secretary said
+ 3 … because there were too many hysterical moments to keep track of.

“Please tell me I missed everything.”
-Don hates partner meetings.
+1

“You must have to loosen them up first.”
-The pun-loving Roger Sterling on the Secor Laxative people.
+1

“You look like a mongoloid!”
- Bobby does not approve of Sally’s new haircut, and he lets her know it with one of most politically incorrect statements of the episode, which is saying something.
+1

“You didn’t have to hit her.” “You’re right, because it doesn’t do anything.”
-I decided I’m going to take away points from Betty for being THE WORST.
-1

“We don’t have to do anything but avoid criticizing them or giving advice.”
-Pete Campbell on how to deal with Japanese businessmen.
+1

“I don’t know what this room is for.”
-The Japanese translator’s opinion on SCDP’s “Creative Lounge.”
+1

“How does she not fall over?”
- One of the Honda execs wonders about Joan’s curvaciousness.
+1

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know this meeting was happening. But then again, I know how some people like surprises.”
-Roger is not a very subtle racist.
+1

“I’m warning you … they won’t know it’s over till you drop a big one. Twice.”
-Roger continues to be a not very subtle racist.
+1

“Christ on a cracker!”
-I love Peter Campbell-isms.
+1

“You know every chip I make, we become less dependent on Lucky Strike and therefore less dependent on you.”
-Pete Campbell is done brown-nosing and says it like it is.
+1

“Have you seen these? We’re trying to figure out what makes it work.” “I’m still wondering what makes YOU work.”
-Don Draper lets the new guy, Joey, know how he REALLY feels.
+1

“I’ll cut your fingers off!”
-Betty continues to be THE WORST MOTHER EVER in her threat to Sally if she ever catches her masturbating again.
-1

“The nice thing is that it has windows so you can see your brain splattering against it when it crashes.”
-Lane’s thoughts on Honda’s new car design.
+1

From “The Rejected” (8/14/10):

“Why is this bottle empty?” “Because you drank it all.”
-Duh, Don, thinks Allison.
+1

“Lee, the jockey smokes the cigarette.”
-Obvious statement of the day by Roger, but we all know Lee at Lucky Strike isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.
+1

“Over half this agency is dedicated to your needs but if you want to get into the line by line of your costs we’ve billed for, I’ll have Lane Pryce at the foot of your bed in half an hour.”
- Roger is not thrilled that Lee has figured out that SCDP is billing Lucky Strike for work other than Lucky Strike.
+1

“There’s a fire!”
-Don knows how to get out of an annoying client call.
+1

“It’s the worst agency I’ve ever seen. The worst. My mother was a nurse at the state hospital … and that was the last time I saw so many retarded people in one building.”
-Ken Cosgrove does not think too highly of his new employer, McCann Erickson.
+1

“You look swellegant.”
-Would anybody judge me if I made this a part of my regular vocabulary? Peggy’s new lesbian friend, Joyce, knows all the hippest slang.
+1

“Does your boyfriend own your vagina?” “No, but he’s renting it.”
-Peggy on whose property her vagina is, and such an amazing statement and therefore deserving of multiple points.
+2

“You read the stuff between ads?”
-Joey would understand how I watch the Superbowl for the commercials.
+1

“You’re not a good person!”
-Oh snap, Allison. You sure told Don!
+1

“Dr. Miller’s here to see you. It’s a she.”
-Don’s new secretary, Mrs. Blankenship, just wanted to clarify.
+1

“Did you get any pears?”
-Best cliffhanger of all time award goes to Don’s old man neighbor.
+1

This is not a quote, but it deserves bonus points nonetheless:
I love Peggy so much.
+1

From “The Good News” (8/7/10):

“Breast or thigh?”
-KFC has never sounded so sexy thanks to Joan.
+1

“I understand that all men are dizzy and powerless to refuse you, but consider me the incorruptible exception.”
-Lane is not susceptible to Joan’s charms and curvaceous bod.
+1

“I thought American men were bad enough, but none of them has ever so consistently made me feel like a helpless, stupid little girl.”
-PREACH, Joan.
+1

“Do you think there are more Mexicans here or in Acupulco?”
-Anna Draper on California immigrants.
+1

“Does Howdy Doody have a wooden dick?”
-Don to Lane on if they’re really going to the movies.
+1

“What percentage?”
-Lane turns handjobs in movie theatres into an accounting dilemma.
+1

“Look at me! I’ve got a Texas best buckle!”
-This image of Lane will never leave my mind, and I am grateful for it.
+1

“I think Norman Mailer shot a deer in here once.”
-Oh, the things Don says to impress hookers.
+1

THE STANDINGS:

THE PAST THREE WEEKS:
Roger: 5
Don: 5
Lane: 4
Mrs. Blankenship: 4
Peggy: 3
Peter: 3
Joan: 2
Allison: 2
Honda exec: 1
Japanese translator: 1
Anna Draper: 1
Don’s old man neighbor:
Ken Cosgrove: 1
Joyce: 1
Joey: 1
Bobby: 1
Betty: -2

OVERALL:
Roger: 16
Peter: 7
Peggy: 7
Don: 7
Lane: 4
Miss Blankenship: 4
Freddy: 3
Faye: 3
Joan: 2
Allison: 2
Honda exec: 1
Japanese translator: 1
Anna Draper: 1
Don’s old man neighbor: 1
Ken Cosgrove: 1
Harry: 1
Sally: 1
Joyce: 1
Joey: 1
Bobby: 1
Creepy Glenn: 1
Trudy: 1
Atherton: 1

The episode opens with the Draper kids picking out a Christmas tree. Guess who works at the Christmas tree place? Creepy Glenn, who, PS, looks freakishly like that boy from the beginning of Jurassic Park who gets schooled by Dr. Grant for making fun of velociraptors. You know who I mean … THIS GUY. Glenn has either moved on from his infatuation with Betty (I wonder if he still has her hair?), or is devising a plan to get to her through her daughter, because he starts hitting on Sally. Sally, while old enough to like boys now, has apparently not developed her ability to identify future serial killers, because she seems into him.

Sally also writes the saddest letter of all time to Don, who has it read to him by his secretary. The letter, which includes a list of what she and her siblings want for Christmas (in case you were wondering, Baby Gene wants a fireman … me too!), and is comprised of sentiments like “I’d like you to be here on Christmas to give [my gift] to me but I know you can’t be.” Yikes. Don instructs his secretary to buy the requested gifts and there’s finally a reference to the British invasion when he also asks her to pick up a Beatles record for Sally.

Freddy Rumsen has returned with a 2 million dollar Ponds Cold Cream account in his pocket. Everyone, except Peter, seems really happy to see him, which I frankly don’t understand. Yes, he’s bringing a 2 million account to them, which they need, but he got drunk and wet himself, which no one seems to remember, except Peter. Freddy likewise doesn’t understand why Pete still exists.

Creepy Glenn calls the Francis/Draper residence and identifies himself as Stanley to Carla, and asks for Sally. When she comes on the line, he asks, “Don’t you know why I said my name was Stanley?” Apparently it’s because he wants to keep their relationship private, which is pretty clever on his part since it will probably throw off the police from suspecting him when Sally’s entire family shows up murdered later. I’m shocked when Sally asks him where he is and he doesn’t respond with, “In your basement, with my pocket knife.” Anyway, Glenn gives Sally surprisingly poignant advice on her divorced parents. It’s nice that Sally has a new friend that she can talk to about stuff, but does he need to be a serial killer?

Meanwhile, Dr. Faye Miller, an audience research scientist from The Motivational Research Group has come to give a presentation to SCDP. She offers them cookies, and Harry asks what it means if they don’t take the cookies. She coyly responds, “That means you’re a psychopath.” I GUESS GLENN DIDN’T TAKE ANY COOKIES! I like Faye … it’s nice that they’re adding more smart, successful women to the show to juxtapose the awfulness that is Betty Draper, or, oops, Betty Francis. Faye also gives them a survey to show them how to identify user consumer information, but when Don sees that the first question is, “How would you describe your father?”, he jets.

Roger gets smashed at his business lunch with Ponds. It’s a good thing that Freddy didn’t go to the business lunch because apparently his contact at Ponds, who it is suggested that Freddy may or may not be sponsoring at AA, got smashed too. Instead of taking his chances at possibly winding up in another pants-wetting situation, Freddy is brainstorming for Ponds with Peggy. Freddy comes up with some brilliant ideas for the brand, such as the gem, “If you don’t use Ponds, you won’t get married.” I am definitely going to my local pharmacy to pick up some Ponds now (NOT.) He and Peggy butt heads because Peggy doesn’t think this is a brilliant idea, and calls Freddy old-fashioned.

Freddy also offers Peggy some relationship advice when she mentions having trouble with her current boyfriend, Karl from LOST. (Okay, his name is really Mark but he is played by Blake Bashoff.) Karl Mark wants to have sex, but Peggy isn’t ready. He tries to seduce her with crucial information about Swedes and sex from an article he read, “The Swedish Way of Love,” and tells her that he wants to be her first. Whaaaat?? I guess he doesn’t know about the baby! Oops! Anyway, Peggy tells Karl Mark that he’s never going to get her to do anything Swedish people do (although I predict that she would be very quick to have Swedish sex if she met Eric Northman. But I digress.) When Peggy relays her relationship problems to Freddy, he gives her two key pieces of advice: 1) If she wants to marry Karl Mark, she shouldn’t sleep with him or else he won’t respect her and 2) She shouldn’t lead him on, because that is physically very uncomfortable for men. Thanks, Freddy.

In other SCDP news, the idea to have a low-budget Christmas party is shattered when Roger receives a phone call from none other than Lee Garner Jr, everyone’s favorite cigarette executive who got Sal fired by propositioning him last season. Lee wants to come to the party, so naturally that it needs to be transformed from a bare-bones get-together to a massive orgy. Joan and her fabulous pen necklace is on top of this. I want to be her. Don is miserable because he came home drunk last night and his hot nurse neighbor refused to sleep with him, and while he doesn’t hate Christmas, he does hate this one, and so he is not looking forward to this party.

At the party, Peter is wearing the most amazing double-breasted blazer ever and Joan leads an incredible conga line. But the real highlight of the evening is when Lee Garner Jr gets Roger to dress up as Santa. While clearly not pleased with this development, Roger goes along with it, and, looking incredibly ridiculous, hands out packs of Lucky Strikes to the party guests, and a very special gift of a Polaroid camera to Lee. Lee decides to use the camera to take pictures of the SCDP employees sitting on Roger’s lap. It’s almost better than the lawnmower. (Almost.)

In the meantime, Faye has a serious conversation with Don, who, surprise surprise, decides to try to hit that. It is still very sad to see Don’s charm segue into sleaziness this season. Gross. Anyway, Faye tells Don that advertising all comes down to what people want versus what’s expected of them. She furthermore predicts that Don will be married within the year, and when he expresses skepticism, she says, “I always forget. No one wants to think they’re a type.” It’s a further reminder that Don, who I’ve always thought of as one-of-a-kind, is actually a type. A lonely, pathetic, sleazy type.

Back at the Francis/Draper residence, Creepy Glenn decides that the best way to show Sally how much he likes her is to vandalize her house, but leave her room untouched except for a small token of his affection, the lanyard from his pocket knife. (CREEPY.)

Don is drunk and leaves the party. The new guy at SCDP, Joey, watches him leave and calls him pathetic. I want to defend him because he’s Don Draper, but then he does something terrible. In his intoxication, he forgets his keys at the office, so he has his loyal secretary deliver them to his doorstep, where he’s all but passed out. He wakes up enough to proposition her, and she doesn’t reject him (seriously?) and they wind up having sex on his couch. At this point, I want to hurl something at the television, because Don’s never crossed the work and play boundary before. Sure, he uses women all the time, but they’re never women he actually works with. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, the next morning, he calls her into her office and says, “I just wanted to thank you for bringing me my keys.” Then he gives her $100 as her Christmas bonus. Way to make the girl feel like a whore, Don.

The episode closes with Don being the last to leave the office, with the kids’ presents in tow, and Peggy sleeping with Karl Mark. Pathetically, the poor guy thinks he’s taken her virginity. I guess Peggy doesn’t want to marry him because you can’t marry someone who thinks he’s your first when you actually have a BABY. That’s not going to work out well.

I’m not going to argue the brilliance of Mad Men, because it’s still fantastic, but it’s getting difficult to watch thanks to Don’s antics. Look, I know that he’s a womanizer and he always has been, and I frankly don’t understand how the writers have managed to successfully portray him as the protagonist for the past three seasons, but they have. I’ve always been on his side through his betrayals, his lies, and his many affairs. But he’s getting desperate and it’s nothing short of disturbing. I want to keep rooting for Don, but he’s making it really hard, and that bothers me.

Here are more than a few choice zingers from this week’s episode:

“Baby Gene wants a fireman. I don’t know what that means.”
– Me either, Sally.
+1

“I hate to be the one to bring this up, but it is on everyone’s mind …”
– Peter seriously lacks subtlety in letting Freddy know how he feels about him being back
+1

“Don’t you know why I said my name was Stanley?”
- Creepy Glenn
+1

“It means you’re a psychopath.”
– Faye, on what it means if you don’t take a cookie
+1

“For beauty tips? Are you joking?”
– Peggy, on Freddy’s confounded idea that young women look up to old women.
+1

“Nothing makes old ladies look good.”
– Peggy, on Ponds Cold Cream
+1

“If young girls started using it, maybe they’d find a husband and wouldn’t be so angry.”
– Freddy, on Ponds Cold Cream
+1

“If you use Ponds, you’ll get married. If you don’t use it, you’ll never get married.”
– Now there’s an ad slogan I can get behind. Thanks, Freddy!
+1

“We need to change its rating from convalescent home to roman orgy.”
– Roger’s instructions on expanding the Christmas party budget
+1

“I hate the way you say percent, do you know that?”
– Roger to Lane
+1

“Chestnuts roasting on a greasy man’s open street cart? My goodness!”
– Trudy Cooper on why they’re going to the Bahamas for Christmas.
+1

“You’re from Great Britain. I thought you’d be familiar with the perils of socialism.”
– Atherton + 60s political references = win
+1

“Nice dress. Where’s Mr. Holloway?” “Saving lives.”
- I love the interactions between Roger and Joan,
+1 for each of them

“I would but I’m allergic to velvet.”
– Roger tries, unsuccessfully, to get out of donning the Santa Suit
+1

“I am so sorry. I am so sorry.”
– Harry to Roger as he sits on his lap to take a Polaroid
+1

“You can’t lead him on. That is physically very uncomfortable. It’s not a joke.”
– Freddy is not a fan of blue balls
+1

“You’re the kind of man who doesn’t want to take the test.” / “You’ll be married again within a year.”
– Faye to Don
+2

“Did you enjoy the fuhrer’s birthday?” “May he live for a thousand years.”
– Roger and Don doing German accents made my night
+1 for each

“My father used to say this is the greatest job in the world. Except for one thing. The clients.”
– Roger
+1

THE STANDINGS:

THIS WEEK:
Roger: 6
Faye: 3
Freddy: 3
Peggy: 2
Sally: 1
Peter: 1
Harry: 1
Creepy Glenn: 1
Trudy: 1
Atherton: 1
Don: 1

OVERALL:
Roger: 11
Peter: 4
Peggy: 4
Freddy: 3
Faye: 3
Don: 2
Harry: 1
Sally: 1
Creepy Glenn: 1
Trudy: 1
Atherton: 1

Photo Courtesy of AMC

First, a little bit of catch-up. Last season, Sterling Cooper had been subject to a British invasion when they were bought out by an agency from across the pond, Putnam, Powell, and Lowe. The season finale found Don Draper and his band of merry mad men about to be bought out again, this time by McCann Erickson. Don, Roger Sterling, Bertram Cooper, and Lane Pryce decided to jump ship, taking Joan, Peggy, Harry and Pete with them to form their own agency, Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. Betty broke into Don’s desk drawer that contained super secret artifacts about his super secret past and his true identity of Dick Whitman. After Don came clean, Betty confessed that she no longer loved him, and headed to Reno to prepare for the divorce with her soon-to-be replacement husband, politician Henry Francis.

The first words of the season four premiere came from a one-legged Advertising Age journalist, who was interviewing Don for a profile on him and the new agency. “Who is Don Draper?” he asked, and audiences everywhere guffawed at the irony of that question, and the even more ironic response as Draper refused to give the reporter a clear answer. Instead, he impolitely retorts that he’s from the Midwest where they were taught that it’s impolite to talk about yourself. OK. Anyway, that question, which has haunted viewers since season one, was certainly prominent throughout the episode as we saw a much different version of Don than we’ve seen before. He initially seems as suave and slick as ever in his equally slick new offices, complete with tinted glass offices, modern lines, a particularly awesome orange-red knoll sofa, and, of course, the new (and fantastic) Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce logo on the wall. But as the episode progresses, it’s hard to miss that Don, who’s typically infamous for being able to keep it all together, is unraveling. Similarly, the new offices aren’t as great as they seem because they have neither a conference room nor a second floor, and are having a hard time staying afloat.

Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce is trying to win new business with Jantzen Swimsuits, who are premiering a bikini, which they refuse to call a bikini because they are a family company and everyone knows family companies make two-piece bathing suits, not bikinis. Am I right? Meanwhile, a horrifically sunburned Harry is back from LA where it looks like the jai alai account they won last season for the ridiculous “sport” that’s really only good for smashing ant farms is actually moving forward. Peggy has, praise God, lost the horrible bangs, but gained confidence, a super cute coworker in Joey (Jack and Bobby’s Matt Long), and, finally, a nicotine addiction. Also, she may or may not be dating Karl from LOST.

Peggy and Peter, who is just as earnest and politically incorrect as ever, are working to impress Sugarberry Ham, who is losing confidence in the new agency. They decide to put together a little PR stunt for Sugarberry involving two actresses fighting over the ham at a local grocery store. Since for some reason they decide not to run the idea past Don, they need to keep it under the radar, so Peter suggests calling the actresses whores so he can expense it. ZING.

Roger has fixed up Don on date with Bethany, a Betty Draper lookalike, at Jimmy’s LaGrange. They eat chicken kiev per Roger’s suggestion because the butter apparently squirts EVERYWHERE, and she tells him about her job as a supernumerary in the opera. They share a cab, and when they reach her apartment, Don sleazily suggests that he walks her in. It is really off-putting, because Don Draper is not supposed to be sleazy, he is supposed to be Don Draper. She rejects him but still would like to see him again sometime. He could see her again if he accepted Roger’s invitation to Thanksgiving dinner at his place as Bethany will also be attending, and after all, Roger “needs someone white to carve his turkey.” But instead Don decides to spend Thanksgiving alone at his dark, depressing apartment on Waverly and 6th avenue, where he hires a prostitute to slap him repeatedly in the face while having sex (which prompted this hilarious e-card). I’m wondering if this is just a dream and Leonardo DiCaprio is going to show up with a spinning top because clearly this world can’t be reality if Don bloody Draper needs to pay someone to sleep with him.

Back in Suburbia, Betty is still the worst person alive and continues to live in Don’s house (which he still paying for) and emotionally abuse the children. Betty, Henry, and the kids who will need a lot of therapy one day enjoy an awkward Thanksgiving dinner at Henry’s mother’s house. Sally, who has lost her lisp, also thinks her mother is the worst person alive and rebels against her by spitting out her sweet potatoes. Bobby still likes sweet potatoes though, so that’s good. Henry’s mother is generally unimpressed with Betty and tells Henry so, and that night, Henry doesn’t reciprocate Betty’s sexual advances.

The next day, Don comes to pick up the kids. Henry and Betty get into the car in the garage to go somewhere and Henry suddenly is all over her because he feels like Don threatens his masculinity or something like that. They hadn’t opened the garage door yet, and I was secretly hoping that they would both die from carbon monoxide poisoning. In fact, when Don returns the kids from a great father-child bonding session of him doing work and smoking in his apartment while they watch TV, Betty and Henry aren’t there, and I got super excited that my wish came true until, alas, the couple from Hell came traipsing in. Don tells them that they need to vacate his house or that Henry needs to buy it from him (Ha! Like someone who works in the public sector could afford that house!) and Henry tells Don that their residency there is only temporary. Don delivers the best line of the night when he replies, “Everyone thinks this is only temporary.”

At the end of the episode, the agency loses the jai alai account because Don didn’t mention them in his interview with Ad Age, and the publicity stunt impresses Sugarberry Hams even though the actresses wind up in jail. Don completely loses it at the execs from Jantzen Swimsuits because they’re a family company, remember, and therefore the idea he shows them, a woman with a black bar across her top that reads “So well built we can’t even show you the second floor,” fails to impress them. Don is very upset that his wife left him, that he lives in a crappy apartment, that the new company isn’t doing well, and that the Jantzen Swimsuit executives don’t realize that family values aren’t going to sell a bikini – erm, excuse me, a two-piece bathing suit. Everyone at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce is very upset with Don for bombing the Ad Age interview, and even Peggy stands up to Don when he yells at her that the publicity stunt could hurt the agency’s image by retorting, “Nobody knows about the ham stunt so our image remains pretty much where you left it.” I am very upset by the new depressed and depressing Don Draper. He seems to start to pull it together in the final scene when he sits down with a Wall Street Journal reporter in an effort to repair his image, but I think we have a lot more of dark Don to look forward to. He no longer has his family to keep him tethered, and I think the reality of this is causing him to become slightly unhinged.

The episode wasn’t all doom and gloom, though. While the suave Don Draper we know and love may be taking a sabbatical, the smart and hilarious writing sure isn’t. Take a look at the best quotes from the episode and see which character won for best zingers of the night. I’ll be keeping the scoring going throughout the season, so be sure to check back to see where your favorite character stands in the rankings each week!

Quotes Score Chart:

“We thank you for your sacrifice.”
- Peter to the Ad Age journalist who lost a leg in the Korean War
+1

“They’re so cheap, they can’t even afford a whole reporter.”
- Roger about the Ad Age journalist
+1

“I love how they sit there like two choirboys. You know one of them is leaving New York with VD.”
- Roger about the Jantzen Swimsuit execs
+1

“Creatively, Y&R’s not capable of living in this neighborhood. You know why? You don’t work there.”
- Peter brilliantly kissing Don’s ass, as usual
+1

“Get the chicken kiev. The butter squirts everywhere.”
- Roger tells Don what to order at Jimmy’s LaGrange on his date with Bethany
+1

“I can use my expense account if I say they’re whores.”
- Peter, about the actresses for the Sugarberry Hams PR stunt
+1

“Come turkey day, maybe you can stuff her.”
- Roger, trying to persuade Don to come to Thanksgiving dinner
+1

“[I need] someone white to carve my turkey.”
- Roger, on why he needs Don to come to Thanksgiving dinner
+1

“I need $280 for bail.”
- Words you never expected to hear from Peggy Olson
+1

“Believe me, everybody thinks this is temporary.”
- Don to Henry
+1

“Nobody knows about the ham stunt so our image remains pretty much where you left it.”
- Peggy standing up to Don
+1

TOTALS:
Roger: 5
Peter: 3
Peggy: 2
Don: 1

Photo Courtesy of AMC

Elisabeth Bromberg works in digital advertising in New York City. When she’s not working, she enjoys discovering new awesome things on the Internet and engaging in a sordid romantic affair with her TiVo.

Also, feel free to comment below on your choice!

In the Season 3 finale, Betty had left Don, taking the kids with her, and a small group of the Sterling Cooper staff staged a coup and started their own ad agency.

We’re only a couple of weeks away from the Season 4 premiere, and although there hasn’t been anything monumental revealed yet, there are some promo videos on the AMC website. I thought I’d share one of them with you, in which Matthew Weiner and some of the cast vaguely discuss what’s in store.

Mad Men returns July 25th at 10 pm.

Photo Courtesy of AMC