We did it, guys. We made it through the first season of Witches of East End. We made it through all of Freya’s boring love triangle nonsense. We made it.
“Oh, What a World!” continues right where the last episode ended, with Killian warning Freya that marrying Dash would DESTROY her. Apparently the previouslies didn’t get that message, because this time, “SOULMATE” was said over a shot of Dash and “DESTROYER” was said over a shot of Killian. Sadly, the season finale didn’t make the love triangle any better, even though it did end with Killian being left to “die” by Dash. Sadly, now that the Gardiner brothers officially have their witch powers, we’re pretty much stuck with Killian forever.
Let’s see, what happened in this season finale:
Penelope revealed herself as the shifter / Athena / nefarious queen of my heart.
Penelope also revealed that she’d stolen Dash and Killian’s powers when they were kids.
Victor dropped a knowledge bomb about 1906 Freya, who – as I assumed back in “Potentia Noctis” – died in the San Francisco earthquake. The bomb of knowledge was that dropped is that Freya was in love with a musician named Henry, a dead ringer for Killian.
So basically Killian is Freya’s soulmate, and Dash is her destroyer.
Pause for shock.
Penelope died so hard I hear the next Die Hard movie is about her.
So now Dash and Killian have their powers back. So does Freya, but she still can’t make lightning, so it doesn’t matter.
Mike also died.
Victor tried very hard to convince Ingrid that they’re a lot alike, even though I’ve never seen Victor with crazy eyes. Also, dude – give her some time to get used to you.
The doorway to Asgard was opened. Whoops.
That all happened. So how did the witches rank in the last episode of the season?
I know I’ve used the Most Valuable Witch rankings exclusively for the Beauchamp witches, but I think it’s time for me to make an exception. Penelope has been non-stop amazing since she was revealed as the shifter / Athena Browning, and this episode continued the amazingness. She spends the episode like she has every episode – being deliciously nefarious – and even goes out in spectacular fashion. Not many other television characters can say they died while being hanged then kicked into a furnace. Actually, I don’t think any other television character can say that. Despite any of my problems with Witches of East End, I cannot deny that that was a very creative way to kill a character off.
Plus, Penelope actually made rain this episode. Not just lightning – which we all know is her favorite thing to make – but the rain that goes along with it! And she sent a bunch of crows flying out of a cauldron thing. She also had an amazing – AMAZING – scene with Joanna all about how subtlety is stupid and overrated. Alright, that’s not exactly what the scene was about, but that was the message I got from it. Man, Penelope was the best. Long live Penelope! Long live all things of a nefarious nature! Long live stealing your children’s powers because they suck anyway!
In an alternate universe, there’s a zombie Ingrid / Penelope spin-off that’s just been greenlit, and it is going to be amazing. It’s also titled Nefarious Witches. Like I said, amazing.
If for some reason you only read my recaps of this show without watching the show itself, watch the scene between Joanna and Penelope where Joanna finally puts two and two together about the nefarious one. You too will believe that subtlety is stupid and overrated. Then go back and watch the rest of the series so you can contribute and comment on my recaps.
I often wonder how the other Beauchamps would even survive without Wendy doing cat reconnaissance. She’s off in the Nefarious catacombs getting her cat Veronica Mars on because it’s easy for her to get by that way, but imagine Ingrid trying to do such a thing. You don’t have to, because Ingrid literally attempts to do the same thing later in the episode and fails miserably. Freya is a terrible witch, and Ingrid is a terrible spy. At least Joanna has her paintings.
When Wendy comes back home from the recon mission, she fills Joanna and Victor (who’s still there, because all is forgiven!) on the fact the wall that had the ramus mortium now has argentium leaking out. So now they know that the shifter is trying to create a rift between the two worlds, because that’s what argentium means! It also means that the shifter could poison them and actually murder them if the argentium entered their systems, because Asgardian science or something. Whenever I watch this show, I simultaneously feel like I’m learning so much but also getting dumber. Hey, it’s not my fault these witches are from ASGARD.
But none of this is important as the fact that when Wendy comes home and gets out of catmode, she, Wendy, and Victor all discuss this over nice, cool glasses of scotch. Well, the latter two drink scotch while Wendy drinks a big old glass of milk! A glass. Of milk. Has Wendy always drank milk post-catform? If so, that’s my new favorite character trait.
See, Freya? It’s not just alright to have character traits, it’s encouraged.
My other favorite Wendy character trait is being the best dressed always. Her dress at Freya’s sham of a wedding was on point. I could’ve used more of Wendy being dressed amazingly and less of everything else that had to do with Freya. I realize that is basically what I ask of every episode, but really, you guys – her dress at the wedding was everything to me. Throw in the sunglasses she (well, Penelope posing as her) wore with the dress, and honestly, that’s the only reason she’s this high on the list this week. Well, that and the milk thing.
Joanna spends a good portion of the episode trying to convince Freya that her wedding day isn’t doomed, which is a bigger lie than someone calling Freya’s love triangle “interesting.” She also spends some time going to the bone zone with Victor, because, well, who could blame her? Harrison and Ingrid, probably, but most others would support this reunion between the sheets.
Then she has the best scene ever with Penelope and that’s really all that matters.
Once Penelope has Joanna captured, it’s whatever. It’s fun because Penelope is fun, but I had no worries for Joanna. I think that’s my biggest, non-Freya problem with this finale: the complete lack of stakes. Wendy’s on her last life, but I had no doubt in my mind she’d survive this episode. Victor just showed up literally the day before, but I never once thought he could possibly be on the chopping block. While I’m all for the show killing Ingrid and Freya and then fastforwarding twenty-something years for the second season, I never thought they’d go for that.
Mike: “You’re not gonna hurt me, you’re too sweet.”
Ingrid. “I’m not as sweet as you think I am.”
First of all, duh. If you’re reading these recaps, you know Ingrid is far from “sweet.” She’s 10 pounds of crazy in a 5 pound bag, and that’s why we love her. Mike, of course, is 20 pounds of crazy in a 5 pound bag, so it’s easy to understand why he would underestimate Ingrid. Sadly – and surprisingly, considering this is the season finale – there’s really no “Best Ingrid” antics in this episode. Magical lock-picking Ingrid might qualify, but I deduct points for her staying in Mike’s hotel room longer than she has to. You’re a witch, girl. You can take a magical snapshot of his crazy wall of crazy. And then he holds her hostage and I wonder what zombie Ingrid would say in this moment.
Actually, she wouldn’t say anything, because she’d be too busy murdering him and then Wendy, because grudges, you know?
R.I.P. Mike. You were played by Enver Gjokaj, so I instantly tolerated you more than I probably would have if you were played by anyone else. You could’ve had it all with Ingrid, but instead you decided to jam axes into your leg and kidnap her at gunpoint. It kind of sucks that you disintegrated, but I’ll admit I chuckled when it happened.
No one should be surprised that Freya is dead last for yet another episode. I had such high hopes for the character and the beginning of the season / series, but they all went away as soon as anything resembling characterization went away from Freya. At this point, she’s simply a prop for the Gardiner boys to use. For being the “free-spirited” sister, it’s so frustrating that this character has no agency. Her “relationship” (it’s sort of impossible for a prop to have a relationship, I suppose) with Dash is completely thrown out the window as soon as Victor tells the story of 1906 her and 1906 Killian/Henry. The whole concept of “soulmates” drives Freya’s decisions, not any actual emotions. She “loves” Dash because he’s her soulmate. Wait, no, Killian is her soulmate - so she no longer loves Dash and instead loves Killian.
Everything about this love triangle sucks. Freya needs to be 100% single next season (haha, I know), focusing on her terrible witching and maybe trying to make lightning.<
It would definitely happen on Nefarious Witches.
A few more things:
The pilot episode of Nefarious Witches is all about Penelope getting zombie Ingrid into the world of online dating. Hijinks ensue when zombie Ingrid accidentally schedules three dates at the same time and has to figure out how to be in three places at once. Oh, didn’t I tell you? Nefarious Witches is a multicamera sitcom on CBS.
Oh, so now Dash and Killian have their powers back. That should be… What’s the opposite of fun? I just hope Dash gets super evil and wears suits made of puppies and throws glasses of scotch into fireplaces. I also hope to never see Killian ever again, but the Dash thing has a better chance of happening.
Admit it, you laughed when the doorway to Asgard opened and immediately killed Mike.
Also, the Asgardian on the other side of the doorway. Definitely the Beauchamp son? IS IT SEAN FARIS?!?
1906 Freya was the sole bartender in a tavern in San Francisco. Some things never change.
- Honestly, I’d love if the series legitimately killed off Ingrid and Freya off then fastforwarded to them in new lives. With Killian and Dash officially outed as witches now, it would be possible to flashforward without them aging, since the show insists on keeping them involved.
- Why didn’t Wendy invite Leo to the wedding? Can somebody please check on Leo?
Photo Courtesy of Lifetime