Mad Men Recap: Christmas Comes But Once a Year

You know it’s going to be a good holiday when you find yourself graced with the presents (haha, GET IT?) of ghosts of seasons past. “Christmas Comes But Once a Year” saw the return of creepy Glenn Bishop, ex-boozer and famed pants-wetter Freddy Rumsen, and the closeted sadist, Lucky Strikes exec Lee Garner Jr.

The episode opens with the Draper kids picking out a Christmas tree. Guess who works at the Christmas tree place? Creepy Glenn, who, PS, looks freakishly like that boy from the beginning of Jurassic Park who gets schooled by Dr. Grant for making fun of velociraptors. You know who I mean … THIS GUY. Glenn has either moved on from his infatuation with Betty (I wonder if he still has her hair?), or is devising a plan to get to her through her daughter, because he starts hitting on Sally. Sally, while old enough to like boys now, has apparently not developed her ability to identify future serial killers, because she seems into him.

Sally also writes the saddest letter of all time to Don, who has it read to him by his secretary. The letter, which includes a list of what she and her siblings want for Christmas (in case you were wondering, Baby Gene wants a fireman … me too!), and is comprised of sentiments like “I’d like you to be here on Christmas to give [my gift] to me but I know you can’t be.” Yikes. Don instructs his secretary to buy the requested gifts and there’s finally a reference to the British invasion when he also asks her to pick up a Beatles record for Sally.

Freddy Rumsen has returned with a 2 million dollar Ponds Cold Cream account in his pocket. Everyone, except Peter, seems really happy to see him, which I frankly don’t understand. Yes, he’s bringing a 2 million account to them, which they need, but he got drunk and wet himself, which no one seems to remember, except Peter. Freddy likewise doesn’t understand why Pete still exists.

Creepy Glenn calls the Francis/Draper residence and identifies himself as Stanley to Carla, and asks for Sally. When she comes on the line, he asks, “Don’t you know why I said my name was Stanley?” Apparently it’s because he wants to keep their relationship private, which is pretty clever on his part since it will probably throw off the police from suspecting him when Sally’s entire family shows up murdered later. I’m shocked when Sally asks him where he is and he doesn’t respond with, “In your basement, with my pocket knife.” Anyway, Glenn gives Sally surprisingly poignant advice on her divorced parents. It’s nice that Sally has a new friend that she can talk to about stuff, but does he need to be a serial killer?

Meanwhile, Dr. Faye Miller, an audience research scientist from The Motivational Research Group has come to give a presentation to SCDP. She offers them cookies, and Harry asks what it means if they don’t take the cookies. She coyly responds, “That means you’re a psychopath.” I GUESS GLENN DIDN’T TAKE ANY COOKIES! I like Faye … it’s nice that they’re adding more smart, successful women to the show to juxtapose the awfulness that is Betty Draper, or, oops, Betty Francis. Faye also gives them a survey to show them how to identify user consumer information, but when Don sees that the first question is, “How would you describe your father?”, he jets.

Roger gets smashed at his business lunch with Ponds. It’s a good thing that Freddy didn’t go to the business lunch because apparently his contact at Ponds, who it is suggested that Freddy may or may not be sponsoring at AA, got smashed too. Instead of taking his chances at possibly winding up in another pants-wetting situation, Freddy is brainstorming for Ponds with Peggy. Freddy comes up with some brilliant ideas for the brand, such as the gem, “If you don’t use Ponds, you won’t get married.” I am definitely going to my local pharmacy to pick up some Ponds now (NOT.) He and Peggy butt heads because Peggy doesn’t think this is a brilliant idea, and calls Freddy old-fashioned.

Freddy also offers Peggy some relationship advice when she mentions having trouble with her current boyfriend, Karl from LOST. (Okay, his name is really Mark but he is played by Blake Bashoff.) Karl Mark wants to have sex, but Peggy isn’t ready. He tries to seduce her with crucial information about Swedes and sex from an article he read, “The Swedish Way of Love,” and tells her that he wants to be her first. Whaaaat?? I guess he doesn’t know about the baby! Oops! Anyway, Peggy tells Karl Mark that he’s never going to get her to do anything Swedish people do (although I predict that she would be very quick to have Swedish sex if she met Eric Northman. But I digress.) When Peggy relays her relationship problems to Freddy, he gives her two key pieces of advice: 1) If she wants to marry Karl Mark, she shouldn’t sleep with him or else he won’t respect her and 2) She shouldn’t lead him on, because that is physically very uncomfortable for men. Thanks, Freddy.

In other SCDP news, the idea to have a low-budget Christmas party is shattered when Roger receives a phone call from none other than Lee Garner Jr, everyone’s favorite cigarette executive who got Sal fired by propositioning him last season. Lee wants to come to the party, so naturally that it needs to be transformed from a bare-bones get-together to a massive orgy. Joan and her fabulous pen necklace is on top of this. I want to be her. Don is miserable because he came home drunk last night and his hot nurse neighbor refused to sleep with him, and while he doesn’t hate Christmas, he does hate this one, and so he is not looking forward to this party.

At the party, Peter is wearing the most amazing double-breasted blazer ever and Joan leads an incredible conga line. But the real highlight of the evening is when Lee Garner Jr gets Roger to dress up as Santa. While clearly not pleased with this development, Roger goes along with it, and, looking incredibly ridiculous, hands out packs of Lucky Strikes to the party guests, and a very special gift of a Polaroid camera to Lee. Lee decides to use the camera to take pictures of the SCDP employees sitting on Roger’s lap. It’s almost better than the lawnmower. (Almost.)

In the meantime, Faye has a serious conversation with Don, who, surprise surprise, decides to try to hit that. It is still very sad to see Don’s charm segue into sleaziness this season. Gross. Anyway, Faye tells Don that advertising all comes down to what people want versus what’s expected of them. She furthermore predicts that Don will be married within the year, and when he expresses skepticism, she says, “I always forget. No one wants to think they’re a type.” It’s a further reminder that Don, who I’ve always thought of as one-of-a-kind, is actually a type. A lonely, pathetic, sleazy type.

Back at the Francis/Draper residence, Creepy Glenn decides that the best way to show Sally how much he likes her is to vandalize her house, but leave her room untouched except for a small token of his affection, the lanyard from his pocket knife. (CREEPY.)

Don is drunk and leaves the party. The new guy at SCDP, Joey, watches him leave and calls him pathetic. I want to defend him because he’s Don Draper, but then he does something terrible. In his intoxication, he forgets his keys at the office, so he has his loyal secretary deliver them to his doorstep, where he’s all but passed out. He wakes up enough to proposition her, and she doesn’t reject him (seriously?) and they wind up having sex on his couch. At this point, I want to hurl something at the television, because Don’s never crossed the work and play boundary before. Sure, he uses women all the time, but they’re never women he actually works with. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, the next morning, he calls her into her office and says, “I just wanted to thank you for bringing me my keys.” Then he gives her $100 as her Christmas bonus. Way to make the girl feel like a whore, Don.

The episode closes with Don being the last to leave the office, with the kids’ presents in tow, and Peggy sleeping with Karl Mark. Pathetically, the poor guy thinks he’s taken her virginity. I guess Peggy doesn’t want to marry him because you can’t marry someone who thinks he’s your first when you actually have a BABY. That’s not going to work out well.

I’m not going to argue the brilliance of Mad Men, because it’s still fantastic, but it’s getting difficult to watch thanks to Don’s antics. Look, I know that he’s a womanizer and he always has been, and I frankly don’t understand how the writers have managed to successfully portray him as the protagonist for the past three seasons, but they have. I’ve always been on his side through his betrayals, his lies, and his many affairs. But he’s getting desperate and it’s nothing short of disturbing. I want to keep rooting for Don, but he’s making it really hard, and that bothers me.

Here are more than a few choice zingers from this week’s episode:

“Baby Gene wants a fireman. I don’t know what that means.”
– Me either, Sally.
+1

“I hate to be the one to bring this up, but it is on everyone’s mind …”
– Peter seriously lacks subtlety in letting Freddy know how he feels about him being back
+1

“Don’t you know why I said my name was Stanley?”
- Creepy Glenn
+1

“It means you’re a psychopath.”
– Faye, on what it means if you don’t take a cookie
+1

“For beauty tips? Are you joking?”
– Peggy, on Freddy’s confounded idea that young women look up to old women.
+1

“Nothing makes old ladies look good.”
– Peggy, on Ponds Cold Cream
+1

“If young girls started using it, maybe they’d find a husband and wouldn’t be so angry.”
– Freddy, on Ponds Cold Cream
+1

“If you use Ponds, you’ll get married. If you don’t use it, you’ll never get married.”
– Now there’s an ad slogan I can get behind. Thanks, Freddy!
+1

“We need to change its rating from convalescent home to roman orgy.”
– Roger’s instructions on expanding the Christmas party budget
+1

“I hate the way you say percent, do you know that?”
– Roger to Lane
+1

“Chestnuts roasting on a greasy man’s open street cart? My goodness!”
– Trudy Cooper on why they’re going to the Bahamas for Christmas.
+1

“You’re from Great Britain. I thought you’d be familiar with the perils of socialism.”
– Atherton + 60s political references = win
+1

“Nice dress. Where’s Mr. Holloway?” “Saving lives.”
- I love the interactions between Roger and Joan,
+1 for each of them

“I would but I’m allergic to velvet.”
– Roger tries, unsuccessfully, to get out of donning the Santa Suit
+1

“I am so sorry. I am so sorry.”
– Harry to Roger as he sits on his lap to take a Polaroid
+1

“You can’t lead him on. That is physically very uncomfortable. It’s not a joke.”
– Freddy is not a fan of blue balls
+1

“You’re the kind of man who doesn’t want to take the test.” / “You’ll be married again within a year.”
– Faye to Don
+2

“Did you enjoy the fuhrer’s birthday?” “May he live for a thousand years.”
– Roger and Don doing German accents made my night
+1 for each

“My father used to say this is the greatest job in the world. Except for one thing. The clients.”
– Roger
+1

THE STANDINGS:

THIS WEEK:
Roger: 6
Faye: 3
Freddy: 3
Peggy: 2
Sally: 1
Peter: 1
Harry: 1
Creepy Glenn: 1
Trudy: 1
Atherton: 1
Don: 1

OVERALL:
Roger: 11
Peter: 4
Peggy: 4
Freddy: 3
Faye: 3
Don: 2
Harry: 1
Sally: 1
Creepy Glenn: 1
Trudy: 1
Atherton: 1

Photo Courtesy of AMC